I. What Makes Boundaries Important for Healthy Relationships?
"A joy-filled relationship is like a warm cup of coffee on a chilly morning—it wraps around you, warms your heart, and infuses your entire being with a sense of lasting joy."
Healthy boundaries are essential in all of our relationships, since they create a framework for respect, trust, emotional well-being. They guide us in how to set limits on what is acceptable and what is not!. Boundaries define where one person ends and another person begins, ensuring that both individuals have the safety to share their needs, desires, and personal values. They empower us to prioritize our personal well-being rather than compromise our values.
Ultimately, by setting and respecting healthy boundaries, relationships can thrive and grow through mutual respect, understanding, and fulfillment.
Remember, your personal well-being is too important to be compromised by negative patterns. Boundaries allow you to take control of your life, break free from the chains that hold you back, and live a life filled with emotional wholeness and lasting joy!
II. Understanding Negative Patterns and How to Break Free of Them.
Some underlying causes of negative patterns may be due to unmet childhood needs, fear of loss or rejection, feelings of neglect or of not being accepted. Breaking free from negative relational patterns begins with reflecting back on our lives and identifying recurring behaviors that have led to undesirable outcomes.
Once negative patterns emerge in relationships they cause unique challenges and inhibit open and honest communication and intimacy. This may lead to resentment if one or both parties begins to feel unheard or disconnected.
Controlling behaviors can erode trust and lead to a loss of self-esteem, especially in important relationships. Consistent neglect or avoidance of emotional connection can result in hurt, resentment, and a breakdown of the relationship. Breaking free from negative relationship patterns requires a commitment to personal growth and support.
Relationship coaching offers invaluable guidance in navigating these challenges and acquiring necessary tools to make lasting change. A faith community with other Christian women in a group coaching environment provides a powerful way to connect and receive support, encouragement and accountability, and may maximize our efforts.
Acknowledging the detrimental impact of negative patterns can motivate us to make changes. Learning to question the narratives we've been telling ourselves and the choices we’ve made helps us to come to understand that God has a better plan for us than continually repeating relational patterns that create chaos. When we have the support we need to gain clarity on our negative patterns and develop the courage to dismantle them, we will find that the changes we long for are not only needed but they are entirely possible!
III. The Power of Boundaries in Cultivating Healthy and Fulfilling Relationships.
Boundaries act as emotional fences that define where we end and where others begin. Creating and maintaining healthy relationships is a key aspect of leading a fulfilling life. At the heart of joy-filled relationships is a solid understanding of how boundaries serve as essential guides for taking responsibility for our own emotions and actions, while simultaneously encouraging others to do the same. By effectively communicating our limits, desires, and needs, we can build relationships that are rooted in trust, honesty, and reciprocity, where conflicts are minimized, and communication becomes more authentic and meaningful.
Implementing boundaries helps us conserve our emotional energy by preventing us from falling into unhealthy habits such as people-pleasing, codependency, perfectionism or faking fine. They guide us in recognizing when to say "yes" to activities, opportunities, and relationships that align with our values and aspirations. Equally important, boundaries empower us to say a respectful "no" when something doesn't resonate with us, guarding against resentment and burnout.
While boundaries are crucial for cultivating healthy relationships, it is important to note that they require ongoing communication, flexibility, and empathy. They should be flexible yet firm, consistently adjusted as relationships evolve and grow. By openly discussing boundaries with our loved ones, we can create an environment where everyone feels heard, understood, and valued.
IV. What are the Benefits of Setting and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries?
Since boundaries are the secret to maintaining balance, preserving relationships, and achieving personal growth, let's explore even more of the advantages:
1. Empowerment and Self-Respect: Establishing healthy boundaries empowers us to prioritize our needs and values, and not feel obliged to say yes to everything, allowing us to make choices that align with our authentic self.
2. Reduced Stress and Burnout: Without clear boundaries, it becomes challenging to manage our time and energy effectively. By setting limits on our commitments and responsibilities, we create space to rejuvenate, reduce stress, avoid burnout, and enhance our overall well-being.
3. Improved Relationships: Since boundaries are the framework for healthy relationships, they are a blueprint for mutual respect, trust, and communicating our limits, needs, and expectations, helping ensure that our relationships are a source of joy and not chaos.
4. Enhanced Productivity and Focus: When our boundaries are intact, we can devote the necessary energy to our tasks without distractions or interruptions. We are able to create a structured environment that allows us to focus on priorities and becoming more effective and efficient in our endeavors.
5. Improved Emotional Maturity: By understanding and communicating our emotions and needs, we are able to protect our mental and emotional well-being and manage challenging situations with more grace and resilience.
6. Personal Growth and Development: Boundaries serve as a catalyst for personal growth and development. Saying no to what does not align with our goals and values creates space for personal and professional growth. By mastering the art of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, we are able to eliminate old patterns, beliefs, and limitations and become more intentional on our journey to a more fulfilling, authentic, and empowered life.
V. Creating Joy-Filled Relationships
Toxic relationships, self-sabotaging behaviors and fear-based mindsets will consistently derail our efforts, drain our energy and hinder our growth and ability to create a life we won’t need to try to escape from.
Are you tired of falling into the same negative patterns in your relationships? Do you find yourself feeling stuck, frustrated, and emotionally drained by repetitive cycles of conflict and disappointment? Don't let negative patterns dictate the course of your relationships any longer. It's time to break free….
Are you Ready to Transform Negative Patterns into Healthy Boundaries?
Since successfully navigating the challenges of divorce, abandonment and a host of other relationship challenges in both my childhood and in marriage, I have spent over 20 years working with numerous women, mostly Christian, and helping to equip them with the necessary tools and strategies to learn to create God-honoring relationships and emotional wellness that brings lasting joy!
At the encouragement and financial provision from my mother, I attended Christian Leadership Coach training in 2007-2008. After completing the training and being mentored by other coaches, I received my Master Christian Life Coaching Certification in 2012. This journey has been one of joy and tears as I've certainly learned that I can't coach or lead where I won't go. God has taken me through the journey of reflecting on my life and identifying negative relational patterns that have held me in bondage and He has taught me a better way to do life and relationships. I am super passionate about coaching other Christian women through their transformational journeys.
Relationship Coaching in a supportive group environment of other Christian women on similar journeys will empower you to gain the confidence you need to challenge your limiting beliefs and unhealthy habits so you can think and live differently. The hope, insight and wisdom available to you will provide an excellent opportunity to be equipped for developing emotional wholeness and cultivating safe relationships that enhance your life. The key factor for creating the joy-filled relationships you desire is your commitment to personal growth.
Your journey towards a more balanced and enriching life, a deeper, more intimate walk with Christ and learning to create Joy-Filled ❤️ Relationships℠ is not only possible, it is closer than you might think!
Stay tuned for more information regarding a Monthly Facebook Live Joy-Filled ❤️ Relationships Group Coaching Event that will kick off (ETA September 2023). I am super excited to offer this free monthly event to all Christian Women in the Facebook Group, "Joy-Filled Relationships aka Boundaries".
Additionally, this event will coincide with the Launch of my Coaching Business. You can stay up-to-date by checking my website (currently being built) JoyFilledRelationships.com.
Other things in the works, are my online coaching program, including live weekly coaching, online courses, and my Joy-Filled ❤️ Relationships Podcast. There is lots happening in my world and I would greatly appreciate your prayers for God's continued guidance as well as for the hearts and minds of women who are and have been praying for answers and guidance in these types of relationship challenges.
Please feel free to reach out to me by clicking on the ‘Contact Me’ tab on my site with any questions you may have. I will be offering a *30-minute consult to any Christian women who are interested in learning more, beginning August 1, 2023.
Please feel free to share!
Until next time… -Sheri xo
*A link will be on this site once we open the door for consults.
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Christian Women*
*And women seeking to learn more about a relationship with Jesus Christ!
Are YOU Ready to Transform Negative Patterns into Healthy Boundaries and create Joy-Filled ❤️Relationships? If so, we need to talk!
Growing a Faith Bigger than Your Fear
Many times, we find ourselves in a season of worry. We may be tempted to worry over health, finances, family, relationships, career, safety, or various other challenges that we may or may not have to face in life.
Jesus understood that seasons of worry are inevitable in our lives. Because of His humanity, he was empathetic and reminded us in Scripture not to worry about our lives, in regard to what we will eat, drink or the clothes we will wear. He compared the beautiful lilies and how God has decorated each one for the season they are to grow and thrive. His words of encouragement challenge us to seek God first and then He will provide the things we need.
One reason for worry comes from an inability or unwillingness to focus on the place we currently are in life... the present moment. Being in the moment provides an opportunity for learning to enjoy the blessings God provides each day. The challenge is that it requires us to be intentional. We can best remedy this by not obsessing over yesterday and the things that we are powerless to change, or fretting over tomorrow since it isn’t here yet. These habits stir up negative emotions that create a mindset for fear.
An interesting way to look at this is considering the vehicle you drive. It is equipped with a windshield and typically, a rearview mirror. Mentally assess the difference in the size of these two components. The windshield is likely 30+ times the size of the rearview mirror. And, when we are driving, we spend (hopefully), 99.99% of our time looking through the windshield to see where we are heading.
Occasionally, when changing lanes or making a turn, we may glance, momentarily, in our rearview mirror to ensure we can make our move safely.
If you are a Mom, you may spend a little more time looking back at your littles to ensure they are sleeping or simply to offer them comfort.
What would happen if we reversed this scenario?
How successful would we be driving a vehicle if we spend the lion's share of our time looking in the rearview to see where we have been, what is going on behind us or pondering what is in the past? As you know, it would be quite disasterous!
In fact, so much so, we might experience an official escort in our near future. LOL!!
It is the same way in all of life. We have zero ability to alter anything that has happened in our past. Yet, being focused on our faith walk and allowing it to lead us to a deeper intimacy with Christ provides us a bright opportunity to impact our future.
A closely aligned relationship with God, where we are walking by faith and not by what we see, or especially not being driven by what we feel, helps us to live more peacefully and more confident that the God who walks with us today is the One who gently guides us safely into our future with the ability to trust that He will work it all together for our good!
Our faith increases by hearing and responding in obedience to God and to His Word!
We live in a culture that provides us many voices and so much information telling us how we can best do life. We must be diligent to quieten our hearts to hear and listen to the still, small voice that leads us safely, peacefully and calmly through the highs and lows, the ups and downs and the changes that life brings.
He is the Anchor that holds when everything else feels like shifting sand.
Another cause for fear is that instead of trusting that God has a plan for our lives, we fix our minds on all the things that “could” go wrong. This zaps our energy for dealing with the the normal ebb and flow of life and robs us of of the ability to simply take God at His Word and lean on His promises.
Daily, we are confronted with plenty of concerns that require us to be on top of our game. We desire to make decisions in the present that we will be happy with down the road. We don’t need to add regrets from yesterday, or the things we may fear about the future.
Divide the things you face into two cateogories: those you can control and those you cannot. Resolve never to waste time and energy on the latter and not to make excuses for the challenges you face on the former.
If you will decide today to take the one step (or do the one thing) that God is telling you to do -- and simply trust Him with the outcome -- He will reveal the remaining 9 or 99 or 999 steps that you need to make to fulfill what He calls you to do with your life.
Equipping us for the journey is what He does well, and, if we get hung up on needing to know all 99 steps before we will even take one, we never get anywhere beyond "stuck". Taking that one step today, and trusting him with the other 99 is exactly what it means to live by FAITH!!
Recognize that there is a very real battle going on within each of us to either live by faith or by fear. If we truly desire our lives to change, we will be required to choose to overcome our fears and grow our faith.
If we want to do life by design, we have the opportunity to follow God wholeheartedly in full assurance that everything He does, He does well!
The polar opposite to living life by design is neglecting to live proactively, which results in our 'choosing' (because not choosing is making a choice) to simply default to doing life by default. There is no calm or joy or pleasure in this path.
Imagine for a moment the ones you love and cherish... you are fully aware of all of the blessings and favor that you desire for them to experience in their lives. You certainly wouldn't want them to be limited in their ability to trust that you are always about what is best for them. You would never sit around and allow them to limp through life stuck in fear and worry that there is no hope for them in the future or that things they may have been involved in or experienced in the past are acceptable to hold them captive.
God is holding that same space for each of us. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that He wants for us that is anything less than His very best. We are wise to leave the choices to Him in determining what our best life can be.
It does require waiting on Him... yep, that dreaded four-letter word....W-A-I-T!
We really are more 'comfortable' knowing all of the pieces of the journey, but it really isn't necessary. We can experience joy even when we don't know the whole path. Waiting in the uncertainty is where we have the greatest opportunity to grow.
Waiting isn't doing nothing. It isn't sitting around like a bump on a log, twidding our thumbs and thinking of the old song from 'Hee Haw' .... "Doom despair, agony on me...Deep, Dark Depression, Excessive misery....". (dating myself right here LOL!)
Not at all! It is entering into a season of resting in Him and focusing on the One who has brought us where we are in life. It is spending time in the Bible, especially in Psalms and reading about the laments and the help and the blessing that God has for each of us, in His time.
It is allowing Him to bring us through His refining fire to become all we are meant to be.
Sometimes, it's relinquishing the things that prevent us from being the person we know we are in our heart. It's a breaking of unhealthy patterns and negative beliefs.
Sometimes it's a breakthrough that comes from the breakdown.
All of the time, it is the security of His promise that He has a plan for our lives. It is also a knowing that He is good. And His ways are good.
And, ultimately, it's an embracing of all that can be!
At the end of the day, it comes down to the question we need to ask ...
What will I choose today? Will it be to Feed My Fear or Grow My Faith?
All of heaven stands ready to assist you if you choose to take God at His Word (Look through the Windshield) and leave fear where it belongs (In the Rear View)!
Until next time....
-Sheri xo
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Christian Women*
*And women seeking to learn more about a relationship with Jesus Christ!
Are YOU Ready to Transform Negative Patterns into Healthy Boundaries and create Joy-Filled ❤️Relationships? If so, we need to talk!
Consider the mindset that you enjoy on vacation. You are free to set your own schedule, not worrying about what you have to do today, not worrying about the time — just being — minus the anxiety.
Now imagine the mindset of being busy at work or in any of your important endeavors: doing one task while being anxious about many others, worrying that you may not be doing the right task, interrupted by others, distracted and stressed.
These are two different mindsets, and yet, what if we could enjoy the vacation mind while working?
Well, we would need to forego the lazing around, but the mindset could be the same. This has the potential to result in a more sane lifestyle, not just living for the weekend or the little vacation time we have, but the ability to navigate life so that we are truly happier every day.
How can this be done? We would need to practice and develop a few small habits, that will make more sense as we go along.
WHAT WOULD THE VACATION MIND LOOK LIKE AT WORK?
Often just thinking about work tasks can alter our mindset from relaxation to anxiety: worry for what we need to do, deadlines, dealing with difficult people, information overload, being on the right task, even concerns as to whether we may be missing out on something important. A life, perhaps :-)
A vacation mindset lets the anxiety go and is simply present in the current moment. Time is less important, enjoying yourself is the priority. You let go of the anxiety. You aren’t worried about getting it all done, or doing the right thing right now, or all the things you have to do later.
You are immersed in the task you are working on and are able to set a pace of doing it so that you can enjoy the present moment.
So how would this look? You choose to work on a particular task, perhaps writing something. You, obviously, have quite a list of things to do but this is the thing you decide to work on at the moment.
Could there be other things you should be doing instead? Of course, there always are and will continue to be. Imagine for a moment how efficient you can become if what you are doing and what you are focused on are actually one and the same.
I would venture to say that several things could happen.
You might find that you actually enjoy what you are doing when you aren't constantly having to pull your focus back from what you are concerned about.... or maybe because you don't want to do the hard work of focusing on the task at hand, your mind wanders (and takes your fingers on the keyboard with it), to shop or research online.
This is where it is easier to lose focus and get even more behind in the project that we are working on.
As for the best thing to do right now, the moment of perfect certainty never comes, so just pick something and do it in a manner that affords you time to be intentional, consistent, and to apply your level of expertise and experience. No short cuts. Be ready to sign your name to the final draft.
If you want to touch on a healthy dose of self-esteem, this is the thing that gets you there. There is no amount of framed or engraved awards that will ever bring the self-satisfaction of that of a job we've done so well that we are excited to see it again and again, revisit the effort and enjoyment as well as share the finished product.
By practicing being able to enjoy the task at hand we are able to be more present, which is must less exhausting than attempting to juggle too many plates.
Let other tasks take their rightful place, the time to do them will come. Immerse yourself in the current task. Focus on enjoying yourself as you do it.
At times, you may mentally step back, come up for air and take a look at the bigger picture, and then return back to the project. This is what I like to call “laser-focus”.
And you can do this when you talk with a co-worker or client. You can do this with an important email, or processing paperwork, small tasks, designing something, programming, creating art, helping a patient or student. This is a learned strategy. It is a discipline that is easily doable.
However, we can’t just flip a switch and be good at these things today … they do take practice, like any other skill, but in the long run, I can say that they’re worth practicing, even if you never master them, because they can transform your relationship with work and any important endeavor that you undertake.
Here are some helpful practices that you can consider working on a little every day:
-Pick something, get immersed in the act of being creative. Focus on the enjoyment of creating something that is uniquely your idea. Being able to work from this relaxing mindset affords you the time to think with a higher level of energy. This will play out in everything you endeavor to do.
-Let go of anxieties. This takes practice. Learn to recognize when you begin to feel anxious and notice the source of the anxiety. This is typically focusing on an outcome you want to happen, such as, looking good in front of others, being highly productive, controlling a situation, etc. Realize the desired outcome is merely a fantasy, and other outcomes can work out just as well. Realize that holding on to this fantasy of how it should turn out causes stress. Let go and restore your creative energy mindset.
-Come up for air and see the big picture. Diving in is goal, and, it is also helpful to step back at times, and assess what is going on around you. Notice people who are nearby and if anyone needs your attention, how you’re sitting (and whether you’re sitting too long), etc. Is there an appointment you should get to? See the big picture, then go back into immersion.
-Be less worried about time. Time is important but we can be mindful of it while not being “lorded over” by it. It matters that we show up on time for appointments we have, paying attention to completion deadlines, billing clients etc. There are times when we can waste time worrying about the time we need to do or not be doing something. Practice a balance of being aware of when time matters and when there can be some leeway.
You may be considering if this is truly doable. The answer depends on you. You’ll be surprised what you can do — if you have the “want to”.
At the end of the day, you'll feel more energetic over the good things you've accomplished. This will help you to be less stressed, treat yourself (and others) better and ultimately, to create a life you don't need to escape from.
There are so many ways we can let our 'have-to-do' items (we have to work to make a living) spill all over our 'would-like-to-do' items.
When we aren't fully focused on what we're doing, we can spend an inordinate amount of time worrying and stressing over what we could've-should've done differently.
We can pretty much eliminate this drama by simply practicing doing our tasks (if we have a career, our own business, or are retired and have personal projects) in a manner that allows us to be vacationally-minded.
When I think about the truth behind taking a calmer pace, besides the tortoise and the hare, I am reminded of a story my mother shared with me years ago when I first began driving.
My mother had a lead foot... and she treated it like a badge. LOL. However, when I started driving, she had some teachable moments to share.
She told me about driving home to our hometown, Pembroke, Georgia, every weekend when she was working 2 hours away. Numerous times she had gotten warnings after being pulled over by a police officer, and occasionally, a speeding ticket.
After one particular time when she received a ticket, she brought up to her supervisor how frustrating her drive was: there was no interstate (at the time), all the small towns with their speed limit signs and the endless redlights.
He nodded in a kind and knowing manner and mentioned that in a situation such as she had described that passing everyone and being in a constant hurry really was a waste of time and stress. He told her to pay attention on her next drive to all the cars she passed. He said she may be surprised to find that at the traffic lights when she had to stop, she would likely see a number of the same cars she had passed, lined up right behind her. She accepted the challenge and noted that he was absolutely correct!
I still exercise this practice today because I love taking a back road. You can't miss me when I do, I'm the car you'll pass and who will leisurely pull up behind you at the next traffic light. So when you look back in your rearview mirror, just throw up your hand and remember I'm smiling right back at you.... with a little less stress :-)
Until next time....
-Sheri xo
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Christian Women*
*And women seeking to learn more about a relationship with Jesus Christ!
Are YOU Ready to Transform Negative Patterns into Healthy Boundaries and create Joy-Filled ❤️Relationships? If so, we need to talk!
Often, the most difficult part of family or working relationships is when a little grain of sand makes its way into the otherwise seamless flow of everyday living.
A grain of sand inside an oyster causes an irritant. Once the oyster layers the irritant with nacre to reduce the discomfort the grain of sand causes, the irritant eventually becomes a pearl.
Working to resolve the “irritants” in our relationships can make the climate where we spend most of our time and focus a lot more pleasant. Overlooked, the irritant may grow and continue to have a negative impact.
These situations can and most often are based on assumptions made by one party toward or about the other. These assumptions can be “birthed” by idle chitchat from a third party and can make the normal routine very tense.
Taking steps to overcome this unfortunate circumstance can replace the climate balance and life can resume.
Refusing to address these issues can consume a lot of mental energy.
Consider what resolution may look like in the way of managing conflict.
1- Build a unique confidence to confront in a kind and loving way when necessary.
It is common and normal to have a certain hesitancy around addressing an issue that is assumed as having some sort of conflict attached to it. The fact that fear is present in the concern around confronting the issue doesn’t mean it should be avoided.
While we often shy away from fear, it actually can help develop a needed confidence to address issues before they can get out of hand. True, feeling fear is uncomfortable, but not much outside of stepping out of our comfort zone will ever stretch us to be all we can be.
Most of our growth comes from times of uncertainty. We just know that the way things are have become a challenge that needs attention.
Consider the costs of the situation remaining as it is or imagine the worst case scenario. Can you live with that? If not, step forward. If you think you can, consider the best case scenario of what it could be if it were to be resolved. Can you live with less than that? If not, take a baby step forward.
Since a moment of quiet prayer can actually calm you, prayerfully consider the best time to approach the other person. When the time feels right, calmly let them know what you are sensing and inquire as to what their thoughts are around the subject.
Regardless of the response you receive, it will be more liberating for you to get it out in the open in a calm, well thought out manner, than for you to continue to fret about it.
You may not receive the immediate response that you desire, but in time, you may be pleasantly surprised.
2 – Taking ownership of what we may have contributed in the breakdown can be empowering.
While no one would argue that we aren’t always the cause of all of our problems, confronting an issue in our mind and heart before we approach another person can often help us to sort out our sensitive feelings and determine what we are responsible for in the situation.
Having done so, we can be empowered to confront the other person in a manner that will be less hostile and will diffuse the temptation to become defensive.
I recommend journaling thoughts and feelings for clarity so you can organize them and work through your emotions.
Diffusing emotions before addressing an issue will help maintain self-control without derailing the process by anger.
3 – Actively listen to the other person as they respond.
The second most difficult part of a confrontation that seeks to clear the air and restore peace is making a concerted effort to really listen to the other person as they share their thoughts or feelings.
This is especially true if you disagree with what they are saying. Listening does not mean agreement. Listening is demonstrating respect. A good rule here is to listen to the person as you would desire to be listened to in a situation that may be difficult for you to express.
In coaching, I often find that when a person is truly acknowledged, listened to and heard, they feel safe and are willing to share and work through the process to create a breakthrough. It can sometimes take a breakdown to bring a breakthrough.
We may be working to achieve a higher level of relating than we could ever have imagined by allowing ourselves to grow in the process. If we gain a deeper understanding, we may gain a stronger bond in the relationship.
This will work in building teamwork at home or at work. What do we have to lose if the air is already thick with tension?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. It can be a risk well worth taking.
What is the value of restored peace?
For me, it is priceless.
As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments. -Sheri xo
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Christian Women*
*And women seeking to learn more about a relationship with Jesus Christ!
Are YOU Ready to Transform Negative Patterns into Healthy Boundaries and create Joy-Filled ❤️Relationships? If so, we need to talk!
Have you ever spent time with your spouse, parent, son or daughter, or a close friend and mentioned an idea only to have them either respond with silence or a host of questions? Or perhaps, they have mentioned something about your idea that brought some anxiety or concern to them?
What happens next? Do you calmly try to ease their minds by providing additional info or holding space for them to share their thoughts or concerns? Or, like many of us, do you assume the worst... 'they think my idea is bad', or 'they are angry at me for suggesting this' or 'they really are not open to try anything different', etc.? Are we too easy to jump to conclusions on situations because we read too much into them?
Let's consider for a moment that they may simply be processing their thoughts and want to learn more about the specifics of what you are sharing with them? Maybe it isn't that they are unwilling, but simply that their personality may naturally just be one that is more curious and they prefer having more details.
Mama always told me to "Never assume!" You may have heard that before as well. However, my mother was not one to use the word 'never' because she believed that 'we should never say never because we never know!' So, when she said not to assume numerous times, it was something I paid close attention to.
She had a little pun to add to it. I won't write it here but I'll give you a little riddle. The first three letters in the word 'assume' describe the King James term for a donkey. The last three letters tell who is made out to be the animal described in the first three letters. So, have a little fun and you will figure it out. If not, reach out to me in the comments below (You will need to click the link to my site at the bottom of this email. The comment form is displayed at the bottom of the post on my site).
I am a verbal processor so I will often repeat back a thought or an idea that is suggested to me. Sometimes, I make sound like a parrot, LOL! This is the only way I have been able to internalize what I've heard. Without verbal processing, it is also difficult for me to remember what I hear. I'm a little weird in that way!
Internal processors (they need to 'think' on it), can get really annoyed by folks who process the way I do. In fact, when we need to think on things, often it can be a real challenge to avoid assuming because we don't always experience our curiousity right out of the gate. The challenge presents itself later when questions come to mind and whoever shared the idea with us may no longer be around to provide the clarity that is needed.
We typically view the world through the lens of our own experiences, history, personality, temperament and perhaps, through the way we were raised. Additionally, we interpret words and body language in similar ways as well.
What this means in significant relationships, is that we tend to routinely misunderstand or misread what is said or done. And more importantly, we may take it personally! And then, take offense. (Note here: offenses are taken, not given, so think on that a bit).
Wrong assumptions and mistaken perceptions typically increase conflict in relationships, and can often lead to damaging arguments. This is especially true in marriage and other close relationships.
Here are some negative patterns to be on the look out for, in order to avoid negative relational issues:
1) Pay attention to your thoughts and perceptions. When you notice you are making assumptions, ask yourself, "Is this perception accurate? Or am I reading too much into this?"
2) Be aware of the lenses that you are seeing life through. When my oldest daughter was a teenager, she once stated to me a simple but profound truth. She said, "Life is a perception issue, Mom. It is what we perceive it to be, whether or not it is true". Such wisdom! Our perspectives can be accurate or they can be terribly distorted at times. Consider the experiences that you've had that have shaped the way you view life: anger, fear, loss or rejection, shame or guilt, hopelessness, perfectionism, people pleasing, avoidance, or withdrawal, etc. When you are processing what someone may mean when they are saying or doing something that you are uncertain about, ask yourself if you are observing their words or actions through any of these lenses that may have caused much difficulty for you.
3) Identify negative thoughts and feelings that may surface as you listen to what your loved one is saying. (One major issue to be aware of here is to be sure you are actively listening. Active listening means not interrupting and not focusing on what or how you will respond... just listen!) Bring your negative thoughts or feelings out in the open and pose them as questions to gain greater clarity and avoid the risk of harming the relational connection.
4) Make the effort to move your thoughts in a more accurate direction. Our thoughts have a lot of power to move us forward or mislead us in destructive ways that hold us back. This is especially important to remember. Consider the words of the Apostle Paul, in 2 Corinthians 10:15, "Take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ". If you find that you are tempted to make wrong or negative assumptions, pause before you react, and consider if the lens you are viewing the situation through may be distorted.
By putting these strategies into practice, you can avoid rocky relationships. Letting go of your assumptions and focusing on what your loved one is actually trying to communicate helps clear up false assumptions and expectations that lead to misunderstandings, and provide for more pleasant and joy-filled relationships!
If this is an encouragement for you, please share with the other amazing women in your life!
-Sheri xo
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Christian Women*
*And women seeking to learn more about a relationship with Jesus Christ!
Are YOU Ready to Transform Negative Patterns into Healthy Boundaries and create Joy-Filled ❤️Relationships? If so, we need to talk!
