As we celebrate the resurrection of Christ this Easter, I'd like to suggest a very important practice that our Savior routinely observed….Solitude.
Consider the benefit of solitude… In our fast-paced, high performing lifestyles, it is often very hard to find a time for solitude, and most of us try to avoid it anyway.
Why do we attempt to avoid it? I believe people may think of solitude as “loneliness” But they are two very different mindsets.
Loneliness brings to mind times when we have been down or have felt overlooked, unloved or rejected. Not so with solitude.
Solitude is a purposeful choice that we make to come apart, if you will, before we “come a-part”.
It is a place where we recognize that we need to take a breather, to get a second wind in facing our lives and circumstances.
Isaiah, a major prophet in the Old Testament reported that …”in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.” [Isaiah 30:15b]
Solitude can be a divine appointment with ourselves in the presence of God only. It can be a place where we can determine our purpose for the here and now.
Be warned that there are many distractions that seek to monopolize our time and to prevent us from this wonderful opportunity for renewal that we find in separating ourselves to gain perspective.
Our dealings with difficult situations [or people] can best be put in proper perspective when we move away from the circumstance or person and evaluate the true issues of conflict or division, something that is rarely accomplished in a head-to-head debate.
Nothing good comes without cost, and solitude is no exception. The cost is that of separation and commitment to the effort of trading off some “good” plans or events for some that would be more aligned with our “best” interests.
To attain the best from our times of solitude, we need to make it a priority. It is important that we learn to take care of ourselves, in order that we are best prepared to handle the other “important” issues of our lives. It is okay to prepare and equip yourself for difficult or stressful times.
A major benefit of solitude, when practiced on a regular basis, is good health [it’s fat free as well]. It de-stresses and energizes us when we make it a habit.
We can experience better productivity in our work and projects and often, receive clarity, because our mind is cleared, concerning a problem that we have been perplexed by or perhaps just haven’t had the time to deal with appropriately.
Solitude helps repair the “noise” that we endure in so much of our waking lives. It brings a quietness and a calmness that will be a comfort to us as well as to others.
Overall, solitude brings us to a place of peace and communion with our Creator, and can restore our hope to press on through rough times.
Do not underestimate the empowering characteristics of solitude.
One final benefit, you will be in good company!
Until next time….
-Sheri xo
Sheri Geyer is a Boundaries Coach for Women
Are YOU Ready to create Joy-Filled ❤️Relationships.... even when it's hard? If so, we need to talk!
I'd like to invite you to Sign Up for My Free Weekly Mastermind Group beginning June 18, 2024 on Tuesdays at 12 noon EDT, https://joyfilledrelationships.com/page/mastermind
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Put simply, it mostly means the prayer is likely about someone who means more to you than anything….
This is a short and specific post.
Tomorrow, my youngest daughter, Rachel, will have heart surgery for mitral valve prolapse. This entails her being intubated, and her heart being stopped, while the procedure to repair her heart is performed.
From a geographic standpoint, she is on one coast, and I am on the other one.
But, my heart knows no bounds, and I will be with her, in my mind’s eye.
I have shared my heart on this blog for nearly 15 years.
Today I’d like to share the deepest part of my true heart with you, as I’d like to call in a favor.
Would you pray with me specifically for Rachel for the next few days? I’m asking, trusting and believing God for her to be at peace and free of any fear or anxiety, for God to be with her Surgical Team, for a successful outcome, and a quick and uneventful recovery.
I would consider this one of the kindest gifts I could receive from you.
Thank you for taking the time and making the effort!
I pray that you will be abundantly blessed for your kindness and commitment to pray for my baby girl.
I will be posting updates on my Joy-filled ❤️ Relationships online community. I would like to invite you to join me there: https://joy-filled-relationships.mn.co/share/S_dOjQT7-iqLg9B1?utm_source=manual
Until next time….
-Sheri xo
Sheri Geyer is a Boundaries Coach for Women
Are YOU Ready to create Joy-Filled ❤️Relationships.... even when it's hard? If so, we need to talk!
I'd like to invite you to Sign Up for My Free Weekly Mastermind Group beginning June 18, 2024 on Tuesdays at 12 noon EDT, https://joyfilledrelationships.com/page/mastermind
Would you like to learn more about establishing healthy boundaries so that you can cultivate relationships that bring more joy? Join me on a 5-day Journey to do a deeper dive into discovering how you can find and maintain more joy-filled relationships... Sign up for Free here: https://joyfilledrelationships.com/landing/five-days
Letting go of the need for control is one of the (many) things I have to consistently work on to achieve positive results.
My default setting is that I want to feel in control of how things will turn out — control of a trip that I’m on, or a project I’m handling, how a conversation will go or even getting my dogs to “go” in a timely manner.
Often, it becomes more frustrating than the way I had imagined it could be ~ IF I were truly in control.
Can we ever really control how things will turn out?
We might think so, but how often do things actually turn out exactly the way we’ve planned?
I know my life has been a series of unexpected outcomes, despite my best intentions to get to certain goals, accomplishments or experiences.
Even when I reach the end point of certain things that I've endeavored to do, they often turn out to be much different once I achieve them, than I had originally imagined that they would be.
And forget planning for an outcome to go down without a hitch....
Yeah, that's the equivalent of herding cats or nailing jello to a wall!
I’ve found that when I want to control the outcome of things, I become more anxious and tense.
I’m less happy with how other people do things, less happy with myself, and less relaxed in the moments that I ordinarily would be able to enjoy.
My relationships and responsibilities suffer because I am preoccupied with how I “think” things ought to be and how they will turn out.
My friend called this week to give me an update on something she was 'concerned' would happen. And, guess what, like so many other things we are 'concerned' (worried) about... it ended up working out so much better than she imagined it would.
Her comment to me was so true. She said, "I used to get so anxious worrying about all the things that I really hoped wouldn't happen. But, I've finally realized. that things usually work out just as they are supposed to. And, I am thankful that Jesus does this and that I don't have all the anxiety anymore".
I couldn't agree more. Often, when I get fixated on how something should be for me to be 'okay', it's all I can think about.
It makes it so hard to focus on what the Lord wants me to learn through this situation as well as others I may be dealing with.
And, it affects my moods and especially how present I can be with the other happenings I'm currently involved in.
It's such a waste of a day (or a week, or an hour) to be all wrapped up in one thing.... the outcome of something.
Some months back, Jeff and I watched an older movie about a pro golfer who was played by Pat Boone, when he was likely in his 80s. He was mentoring a younger golfer, who played well, but was overly anxious and cocky.
The movie offered many lines that were wisdom such as I'd expect to hear from my grandmother. One such line was when the pro instructed the younger golfer about something he had observed in him that was causing him to make careless errors. The pro told him that he needed to practice "NATO".
The younger guy was bewildered until the pro explained that 'NATO' stands for 'not-attached-to-the-outcome".
The pro encouraged him to play in the moment. To think and be present in the moment. Not somewhere off on the 18th hole trying to win, when he needed to be focused on where he was and the effort he was making on the hole he was playing. Which, the pro explained, was where he could have the most impact.
How true!! When my focus is on the completion, conclusion or finishing of something, I am not present. I am staked out in the future with much of my emotional stability banking on a particular outcome that I have very limited means of influencing.
I am probably somewhere out in left field looking up for a fly ball that may not even come my way.... so since my focus is off on something I cannot control, I often lose control of where I can make a difference.
This definitely presents a problem in relationships.
When we become so focused on what the other person needs to monitor, correct, adjust, tweak or otherwise relinquish, we are not manning the post of our own lives.... which is the only thing we can control!
God gave us the fruit of the Spirit, see Galations 5:22-23, to demonstrate the only true control we can really have. And that is self-control.
If I'm so busy observing (with the intention of catching you doing something that needs to be adjusted), who, then, is monitoring my actions and what I need to be doing?
What happens when we turn that around and manage what God actually intended us to manage?
Well, better relationships for one. We become more pleasant to be around when we aren't navigating the pilot's controls from our co-pilot seat.
The hardest thing we may ever do is to simply say nothing while someone is learning the ropes on whatever it is they are doing.
But that's okay. We can do hard things. And we can let others do hard things. Doing hard things builds character.
Trying to 'help' other's accomplish their hard things (especially without an invitation) could possibly make us 'quite a character' to deal with.
As adults, the last thing we need is family or friends taking on the role of a parent for us. After all, at 2 years old, we were already declaring, 'Me do it!"
So how can I best deal with this when, at times, it seems to be a reccurring struggle?
Not to mention that neither my hubby, my daughters, or my family, friends or neighbors have turned over the keys to their lives for me to manage. This could be a indicator that I could be barking up the wrong tree ;)
What I am discovering is that, I am unable to stop myself from 'wanting' to control things. (Wow, can't even control that!! LOL).
I can’t even stop the urge to control outcomes from coming up in me. I need to become aware when the desire to control things comes. I can choose to let the urge happen, without acting on the emotions that rise up in me, especially if they are truly not the best for me or others.
I’ve found this to be easier said, than done. My goal is to remind myself to see the urge, not as a command that I am required to follow, but simply a suggestion from the child within me.
I can then be aware to look for the good things that can come from the situation, even if it’s uncontrolled. I don’t need to control things to be able enjoy them.
Let me repeat that (for myself, or course) ... I. Don’t. Need. To. Control. Things. To. Be. Able. To. Enjoy. Them.
I can just let them happen.
Ironically, what I've learned is that having or being in control has ever only been an illusion anyway.
God is the only One who is in, or has ever been in, control.
That said, I still take action. There are things I can control that have a positive effect on me and hopefully on those important to me:
I can educate myself regarding a trip, simply because I’m curious about a new adventure.
I can be free to let conversations flow naturally.
And my furry friends can take their leisure in enjoying being outside without me pressuring them to “hurry up”.
These are all simply stress-management exercises from which I can greatly benefit.
So, in discovering that I really was living in an illusion of control and not actual control.....I did the only thing I knew to do....
I turned in my resignation as Master of the Universe. The pay wasn't worth it anyway!
Turns out that God wasn't even hiring for the position because He enjoys His work and didn't even need a consultant.... even one who was willing to keep working for, ummmm.... FREE!?!?!
When I keep my focus on what I can control..... (me!), I can experience the freedom of letting go.
I realize I have a choice: I can choose to try to control the outcome and create frustration for myself and those I hold dear, or I can trust in the moment that God has this... and He has me too!
My prayer for me is that I will always choose to trust as often as possible!
Until next time....
-Sheri xo
Sheri Geyer is a Boundaries Coach for Women
Are YOU Ready to create Joy-Filled ❤️Relationships.... even when it's hard? If so, we need to talk!
I'd like to invite you to Sign Up for My Free Weekly Mastermind Group beginning June 18, 2024 on Tuesdays at 12 noon EDT, https://joyfilledrelationships.com/page/mastermind
Would you like to learn more about establishing healthy boundaries so that you can cultivate relationships that bring more joy? Join me on a 5-day Journey to do a deeper dive into discovering how you can find and maintain more joy-filled relationships... Sign up for Free here: https://joyfilledrelationships.com/landing/five-days
If there is one thing to be discovered about the root of most of our problems / issues / concerns / anxiety / struggles / failures, I would say it rests somewhere in the midst of an inability to let go of things that we believe 'should' bring a particular outcome.
I hope you will stay with me here. Learning the grace of holding on to what is important and relinquishing what isn't working is a tremendous game changer.
Consider the morning flight of an eagle... she lives in the moment, totally focused on her flight, likely sharply focused on a search for food. She's not thinking about how unpleasant the weather is, what other birds think of her, will her next nest building be a success, or why she doesn't have feathers as cheerfully-colored as the cardinal. She doesn't have the anxiety that is associated with all of this comparison and desire to have things a certain way.
Our brains are bigger that the majestic eagle, which gives us the ability to solve problems, write poetry, build bridges and unfortunately, the ability, to create many issues or problems that we would be better off not having to deal with. We can easily step into feeling anxious, frustrated, depressed or angry over things that happen or might happen to us, then turn this feeling into an over-thinking session.
If we choose to relinquish what we cannot control (if we can't control it, what's the point of holding on to it anyway?), we are quickly able to reduce our stress and our propensity to procrastinate, improve our relationships, learn to embrace change, let go of limiting beliefs and unfavorable habits and become more present and intentional in our lives. This would certainly provide some freedom, right?
Stress and anxiety often come from wanting things to be or work out in a certain way when they can't or won't. A longing or a desire to avoid failure, difficult tasks, confusion or discomfort, often leads us to procrastinate. If we choose (and, it is a choice), to let go of the way we want or expect things to be, we can learn to accept and appreciate things as they are, allowing us to enjoy peace over chaos. This requires us to focus on the fact that God is Sovereign and it is all in His hands and under His control.
When we experience significant loss, such as a divorce, death of a loved one, or loss of a job, there is a grieving period that we will face... it's best to step in and allow the grief to come as you feel the pain or loss. Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice that we make when we choose to hold onto or obsess over things we cannot change. When we choose to release it, we can allow the process to grow us. This often requires a moment-by-moment choice in the early phases. If we are willing to ask God to be with us and to strengthen us, He will help us learn the things He wants to teach us during this season of our lives.
Fear is often the deep root of our unwillingness to let go of things we cannot change or control. When we want (or feel we deserve) things to be a certain way, we can become immobilized in starting our own business, losing weight or anything that requires us to step out of our comfort zone.
Things that don't align with our ideal are often the very things that help us to grow or experience things beyond anything we ever imagined. The fantasy in our ideals is that they whisper (or yell) that our life will be "easy", that we must 'know' what we are doing at all times and 'feel' totally competent and successful. We tell ourselves that if all of these 'ideals' do not align, we will avoid them and refuse to move forward.
It is God who is the initiator of all change in our lives, and He offers us the ability to let go of what isn't working for us so we can pursue our desire to grow, build, create, and truly experience the best of our lives. The pathway to achieving anything of value is growing through the processes of our lives. When we attempt things we don't know, we learn new things, new skills, and with practice, we can get really good at doing them. When we learn better, we can choose to do better.
Regarding our relationships, we often are tempted to either avoid the challenging ones, expect others to do what we think is right, not take initiative to be the change we want to see, or believe it is up to someone else to do something some other way…. (you may want to reread that sentence).
My grandmother often said, “If it’s to be, it’s up to me”. Our choices and taking initiative can become powerful components to letting go of what we are weighed down by so that we can soar in the mindset and opportunities that bring joy and freedom.
The most compelling thing we can do to change the way we feel is to change the way we think and speak. What I mean is that our negative self-talk that typically comes from negative or limiting beliefs, is the most definitive thing that dictates whether we will feel sad, lonely, rejected, discouraged, fearful and not supported.
Turning that around Into a positive thought life can bring us clarity and encouragement to believe the best about ourselves, our circumstances and others in our lives.
If you don’t believe it try this little exercise, spend 2 or 3 minutes focusing on all that you are mad, sad or scared about and observe the feelings that arise. Next, spend 2 or 3 minutes focusing on what you are happy, glad or delighted about and observe how your feelings become lighter and more encouraging.
Old habits and patterns of negative self-talk and thinking are many times the culprit behind our feelings. Yet, we often look for the remedy in something else that someone else has done, needs to do, or won’t do. Thus, we have handed off control of our peace and calm to someone else to be in control.
Yet, we have the complete ability to consider what can go right in any given situation as opposed to what can go wrong. We can focus on what is good, true and right and not on what we don’t have, hate or won’t stand for.
If we take a walk and look down at the grey asphalt or cracks in the sidewalk, we may never get to enjoy the sunshine, blooming flowers or beautiful birds. Whatever we look for in a situation, good or bad, that’s what we see. If we focus on it, whether good or bad, that’s all we see.
We can learn to be thankful for the challenges that lead to achievement, the discomfort that leads to growth, the uncertainly that leads to learning, and the difficulties in our relationships that lead us to resolving differences.
It is all a choice that we are completely at liberty to make!
Sheri Geyer is a Boundaries Coach for Women
Are YOU Ready to create Joy-Filled ❤️Relationships.... even when it's hard? If so, we need to talk!
I'd like to invite you to Sign Up for My Free Weekly Mastermind Group beginning June 18, 2024 on Tuesdays at 12 noon EDT, https://joyfilledrelationships.com/page/mastermind
Would you like to learn more about establishing healthy boundaries so that you can cultivate relationships that bring more joy? Join me on a 5-day Journey to do a deeper dive into discovering how you can find and maintain more joy-filled relationships... Sign up for Free here: https://joyfilledrelationships.com/landing/five-days
Someone is unhappy about a gift you gave or your offer of kindness and the response does not meet what you expected.
There is no doubt: unfulfilled and unspoken expectations can impact our experiences and relationships. This is especially true with those closest to us.
Have you ever realized you were making expectations of others or yourself? When we can learn to surrender our expectations, we can gain grace, peace and contentment.
Our expectations of others, others’ expectations of us, our expectations of God, and even our expectations of ourselves are quite often unspoken. This is like playing a game but no one knows or is given the rules.
Trying to live up to expectations, whether unmet or unspoken, is exhausting.
The reason for this is that expectations are a subtle form of control.
And control is the antithesis of surrender.
Surrender is to cease from resistance.
Resistance is a refusal to accept or comply with something.
Maybe with the limitations someone else has on meeting my expectations.
So, I try to control this or them by the way I treat them, usually withdrawal or anger.
After all, if they would just 'straighten up and fly right', then I would be okay because my expections of them could all be met according to what is suitable for me.
Wait, what did you say? What's in it for them?
Hmmmm, but they should know what I need.... after all, we've been married for 20 years, she gave birth to me, I've been running this business since he was knee-high to a grasshopper....
In creating expectations for others, God, and ourselves, we are unconsciously setting the standard that we will only be happy, satisfied, or content if or when such expectations are met.
What’s even worse is when our expectations remain unspoken.
That’s like asking someone what they would like to eat for dinner and hoping you guessed right out of the billion possibilities that exist!
We really have two feasible options: to share our unspoken expectations with others so they are known (although this still doesn’t guarantee that our expectations will be met by others) or to forego our desire to control, and release others, God, and ourselves from the tyranny of our expectations.
By not recognizing and acknowledging our expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment, frustration, and at times even despair.
And we can usher in estranged relationships with those we care deeply about.
By becoming aware of our spoken stated or unspoken unstated expectations, we can then make a conscious decision regarding what is first reasonable and second necessary in our minds. We can exchange unspoken expectations for peace and contentment.
I'm convinced that when I've had unspoken expectations of others, God, or even, myself, it sets me up to feel hurt or angry, regretful, disappointed or sad.
Once I realized I was making expectations of others and myself, and that others could not live up to my unspoken or, at times even my spoken, expectations of them, then I could make the conscious decision to let go and surrender to what would be. By surrendering, I gave myself and others the freedom to enjoy whatever came our way.
And this is the path that brought more joy for me in my relationships.....
And, I'm certain it provided more joy for others who I let off the hook for my unspoken expectations.
I also discovered that I was much more able to give myself grace as well.
And with that grace, came peace and contentment.
Jesus was no stranger to folks holding unspoken expectations of Him.
The Pharisees and religious leaders 'expected' their 'King of the Jews' to come in a less-lowly fashion as He entered the earthly realm to deliver His people.
Jesus didn't fit their bill of how their king was to be resplendent is all their 'expected' glory when He came by way of birth in a manger.
He didn't play by their rules. He didn't measure up in their eyes. They sought to ridicule, mock and shame Him.
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you held nothing but a desire for good in your heart for another.... friend, spouse, parent, siblings, neighbors, only to have them think the worst of you?
Instead of seeing your gestures of goodwill toward them, what you said or offered fell short of their unspoken request (demand) for what they want or need from you.
In essence, you were weighed and found wanting.
And the sad part, is that since their expectations were likely not even communicated to you, and you simply had no way of knowing and no recourse.
Jesus must have felt the same when He stood before Pontius Pilate listening to the Jews' accusations of Him.
Ironically, Pilate found no guilt in Jesus.
Jesus was only given the sentence to be crucified because it was time for Passover and Roman custom allowed for a known and condemned criminal to be released and another accepted in their place.
So Jesus, became the sacrificial lamb for me.... for all that I have done wrong.
He became my eternal hope that will never fade away.
He was 'condemned' so I could be forgiven.
And guess what, now God wants me to offer that kind of love and forgiveness.... actually, because it is what sets me free.
I may not ever be forgiven for all the ways and means I've tried or failed to try by family or friends in this life.
I may be ostrasized, criticised and isolated from some that I have only wanted the best for.
Thankfully, in my case, God looks at my heart and sees my sincere hope to only offer love, light and encouragement for others. And to hopefully, learn to love as I have been loved.
And that counts, even if another is unable to receive it in the way it is intended.
Even in the study of the 5 Love Languages.... I could add a few, but that is a post for another day .... We can only give what we have been given and have been willing to receive.
You read that right... we must be willing to receive what we are offered.
To you, what I bring may seem small.... but to me, it may be all I understand and come from a deep place and a heart that desires to be pure.
Compared to your best, it may be sorely lacking..... and while, I accept my limitations, my desire is never to disappoint. (Think of the little drummer boy.... his gift brought the smile of acceptance from the Christ Child, as the song goes).
And He accepts me and you.... that only makes me love Him more.
He knows my heart.... when no one else can.
And it helps me to also accept my limitations when I am unable to meet the unspoken expectations of others.
Only good can come from all the ways I've failed or other's have perceived me as failing. The good comes because like my mom always would say when my life was hurting, "You'll either get the win or the lesson".
I've definitely decided that, while as a child lessons came first and then the test; yet, as an adult most often, I am given the test and then I get the lesson.
And the lesson still helps me to have a win, however small it may appear. It's nonetheless a win and worthy of me celebrating what I've learned and how I will grow through it.
When we've done our best, we know what His 'well done' feels like down deep in our soul. And that is enough.
Regardless of what others may think or say....
Until next time...
Sheri xo
Sheri Geyer is a Boundaries Coach for Women
Are YOU Ready to create Joy-Filled ❤️Relationships.... even when it's hard? If so, we need to talk!
I'd like to invite you to Sign Up for My Free Weekly Mastermind Group beginning June 18, 2024 on Tuesdays at 12 noon EDT, https://joyfilledrelationships.com/page/mastermind
Would you like to learn more about establishing healthy boundaries so that you can cultivate relationships that bring more joy? Join me on a 5-day Journey to do a deeper dive into discovering how you can find and maintain more joy-filled relationships... Sign up for Free here: https://joyfilledrelationships.com/landing/five-days
