Blog Category: Better Relationships

If there is one thing to be discovered about the root of most of our problems / issues / concerns / anxiety / struggles / failures, I would say it rests somewhere in the midst of an inability to let go of things that we believe 'should' bring a particular outcome.

I hope you will stay with me here. Learning the grace of holding on to what is important and relinquishing what isn't working is a tremendous game changer.

Consider the morning flight of an eagle... she lives in the moment, totally focused on her flight, likely sharply focused on a search for food. She's not thinking about how unpleasant the weather is, what other birds think of her, will her next nest building be a success, or why she doesn't have feathers as cheerfully-colored as the cardinal. She doesn't have the anxiety that is associated with all of this comparison and desire to have things a certain way.

Our brains are bigger that the majestic eagle, which gives us the ability to solve problems, write poetry, build bridges and unfortunately, the ability, to create many issues or problems that we would be better off not having to deal with. We can easily step into feeling anxious, frustrated, depressed or angry over things that happen or might happen to us, then turn this feeling into an over-thinking session.

If we choose to relinquish what we cannot control (if we can't control it, what's the point of holding on to it anyway?), we are quickly able to reduce our stress and our propensity to procrastinate, improve our relationships, learn to embrace change, let go of limiting beliefs and unfavorable habits and become more present and intentional in our lives. This would certainly provide some freedom, right?

Stress and anxiety often come from wanting things to be or work out in a certain way when they can't or won't. A longing or a desire to avoid failure, difficult tasks, confusion or discomfort, often leads us to procrastinate. If we choose (and, it is a choice), to let go of the way we want or expect things to be, we can learn to accept and appreciate things as they are, allowing us to enjoy peace over chaos. This requires us to focus on the fact that God is Sovereign and it is all in His hands and under His control.

When we experience significant loss, such as a divorce, death of a loved one, or loss of a job, there is a grieving period that we will face... it's best to step in and allow the grief to come as you feel the pain or loss. Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice that we make when we choose to hold onto or obsess over things we cannot change. When we choose to release it, we can allow the process to grow us. This often requires a moment-by-moment choice in the early phases. If we are willing to ask God to be with us and to strengthen us, He will help us learn the things He wants to teach us during this season of our lives.

Fear is often the deep root of our unwillingness to let go of things we cannot change or control. When we want (or feel we deserve) things to be a certain way, we can become immobilized in starting our own business, losing weight or anything that requires us to step out of our comfort zone.

Things that don't align with our ideal are often the very things that help us to grow or experience things beyond anything we ever imagined. The fantasy in our ideals is that they whisper (or yell) that our life will be "easy", that we must 'know' what we are doing at all times and 'feel' totally competent and successful. We tell ourselves that if all of these 'ideals' do not align, we will avoid them and refuse to move forward.

It is God who is the initiator of all change in our lives, and He offers us the ability to let go of what isn't working for us so we can pursue our desire to grow, build, create, and truly experience the best of our lives. The pathway to achieving anything of value is growing through the processes of our lives. When we attempt things we don't know, we learn new things, new skills, and with practice, we can get really good at doing them. When we learn better, we can choose to do better.

Regarding our relationships, we often are tempted to either avoid the challenging ones, expect others to do what we think is right, not take initiative to be the change we want to see, or believe it is up to someone else to do something some other way…. (you may want to reread that sentence). 

My grandmother often said, “If it’s to be, it’s up to me”. Our choices and taking initiative can become powerful components to letting go of what we are weighed down by so that we can soar in the mindset and opportunities that bring joy and freedom.

The most compelling thing we can do to change the way we feel is to change the way we think and speak. What I mean is that our negative self-talk that typically comes from negative or limiting beliefs, is the most definitive thing that dictates whether we will feel sad, lonely, rejected, discouraged, fearful and not supported. 

Turning that around Into a positive thought life can bring us clarity and encouragement to believe the best about ourselves, our circumstances and others in our lives. 

If you don’t believe it try this little exercise, spend 2 or 3 minutes focusing on all that you are mad, sad or scared about and observe the feelings that arise. Next, spend 2 or 3 minutes focusing on what you are happy, glad or delighted about and observe how your feelings become lighter and more encouraging. 

Old habits and patterns of negative self-talk and thinking are many times the culprit behind our feelings. Yet, we often look for the remedy in something else that someone else has done, needs to do, or won’t do. Thus, we have handed off control of our peace and calm to someone else to be in control.

Yet, we have the complete ability to consider what can go right in any given situation as opposed to what can go wrong. We can focus on what is good, true and right and not on what we don’t have, hate or won’t stand for. 

If we take a walk and look down at the grey asphalt or cracks in the sidewalk, we may never get to enjoy the sunshine, blooming flowers or beautiful birds. Whatever we look for in a situation, good or bad, that’s what we see. If we focus on it, whether good or bad, that’s all we see. 

We can learn to be thankful for the challenges that lead to achievement, the discomfort that leads to growth, the uncertainly that leads to learning, and the difficulties in our relationships that lead us to resolving differences.

It is all a choice that we are completely at liberty to make!

Someone is unhappy about a gift you gave or your offer of kindness and the response does not meet what you expected.

There is no doubt: unfulfilled and unspoken expectations can impact our experiences and relationships. This is especially true with those closest to us. 

Have you ever realized you were making expectations of others or yourself? When we can learn to surrender our expectations, we can gain grace, peace and contentment.

Our expectations of others, others’ expectations of us, our expectations of God, and even our expectations of ourselves are quite often unspoken. This is like playing a game but no one knows or is given the rules.

Trying to live up to expectations, whether unmet or unspoken, is exhausting.

The reason for this is that expectations are a subtle form of control. 

And control is the antithesis of surrender.

Surrender is to cease from resistance.

Resistance is a refusal to accept or comply with something.

Maybe with the limitations someone else has on meeting my expectations.

So, I try to control this or them by the way I treat them, usually withdrawal or anger. 

After all, if they would just 'straighten up and fly right', then I would be okay because my expections of them could all be met according to what is suitable for me. 

Wait, what did you say? What's in it for them?

Hmmmm, but they should know what I need.... after all, we've been married for 20 years, she gave birth to me, I've been running this business since he was knee-high to a grasshopper....

In creating expectations for others, God, and ourselves, we are unconsciously setting the standard that we will only be happy, satisfied, or content if or when such expectations are met. 

What’s even worse is when our expectations remain unspoken. 

That’s like asking someone what they would like to eat for dinner and hoping you guessed right out of the billion possibilities that exist!

We really have two feasible options: to share our unspoken expectations with others so they are known (although this still doesn’t guarantee that our expectations will be met by others) or to forego our desire to control, and release others, God, and ourselves from the tyranny of our expectations.

By not recognizing and acknowledging our expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment, frustration, and at times even despair. 

And we can usher in estranged relationships with those we care deeply about.

By becoming aware of our spoken stated or unspoken unstated expectations, we can then make a conscious decision regarding what is first reasonable and second necessary in our minds. We can exchange unspoken expectations for peace and contentment.

I'm convinced that when I've had unspoken expectations of others, God, or even, myself, it sets me up to feel hurt or angry, regretful, disappointed or sad.

Once I realized I was making expectations of others and myself, and that others could not live up to my unspoken or, at times even my spoken, expectations of them, then I could make the conscious decision to let go and surrender to what would be. By surrendering, I gave myself and others the freedom to enjoy whatever came our way.

And this is the path that brought more joy for me in my relationships..... 

And, I'm certain it provided more joy for others who I let off the hook for my unspoken expectations. 

I also discovered that I was much more able to give myself grace as well. 

And with that grace, came peace and contentment.

Jesus was no stranger to folks holding unspoken expectations of Him. 

The Pharisees and religious leaders 'expected' their 'King of the Jews' to come in a less-lowly fashion as He entered the earthly realm to deliver His people. 

Jesus didn't fit their bill of how their king was to be resplendent is all their 'expected' glory when He came by  way of birth in a manger.

He didn't play by their rules. He didn't measure up in their eyes. They sought to ridicule, mock and shame Him.

Have you ever felt this way? 

Have you held nothing but a desire for good in your heart for another.... friend, spouse, parent, siblings, neighbors, only to have them think the worst of you? 

Instead of seeing your gestures of goodwill toward them, what you said or offered fell short of their unspoken request (demand) for what they want or need from you.

In essence, you were weighed and found wanting.

And the sad part, is that since their expectations were likely not even communicated to you, and you simply had no way of knowing and no recourse.

Jesus must have felt the same when He stood before Pontius Pilate listening to the Jews' accusations of Him. 

Ironically, Pilate found no guilt in Jesus.

Jesus was only given the sentence to be crucified because it was time for Passover and Roman custom allowed for a known and condemned criminal to be released and another accepted in their place. 

So Jesus, became the sacrificial lamb for me.... for all that I have done wrong. 

He became my eternal hope that will never fade away.

He was 'condemned' so I could be forgiven.

And guess what, now God wants me to offer that kind of love and forgiveness.... actually, because it is what sets me free.

I may not ever be forgiven for all the ways and means I've tried or failed to try by family or friends in this life. 

I may be ostrasized, criticised and isolated from some that I have only wanted the best for.

Thankfully, in my case, God looks at my heart and sees my sincere hope to only offer love, light and encouragement for others. And to hopefully, learn to love as I have been loved. 

And that counts, even if another is unable to receive it in the way it is intended.

Even in the study of the 5 Love Languages.... I could add a few, but that is a post for another day .... We can only give what we have been given and have been willing to receive.

You read that right... we must be willing to receive what we are offered. 

To you, what I bring may seem small.... but to me, it may be all I understand and come from a deep place and a heart that desires to be pure.

Compared to your best, it may be sorely lacking..... and while, I accept my limitations, my desire is never to disappoint. (Think of the little drummer boy.... his gift brought the smile of acceptance from the Christ Child, as the song goes).

And He accepts me and you.... that only makes me love Him more.

He knows my heart.... when no one else can.

And it helps me to also accept my limitations when I am unable to meet the unspoken expectations of others.

Only good can come from all the ways I've failed or other's have perceived me as failing. The good comes because like my mom always would say when my life was hurting, "You'll either get the win or the lesson".

I've definitely decided that, while as a child lessons came first and then the test; yet, as an adult most often, I am given the test and then I get the lesson.

And the lesson still helps me to have a win, however small it may appear. It's nonetheless a win and worthy of me celebrating what I've learned and how I will grow through it.

When we've done our best, we know what His 'well done' feels like down deep in our soul. And that is enough.

Regardless of what others may think or say....

Until next time...

Sheri xo

It would be a nice reminder to respond to the “facts” about our life situations if people asked us, “What is true about your life today?”, or “What is going on that you can impact to make a difference?” This, possibly, could become a trigger to think on what is true about our lives as opposed to what we “feel” is true about our lives.

We can easily become overly concerned about what we ‘think” someone else is ‘thinking’ regarding us. When, in actuality, we or our situation may be the furthest thing from their minds.  When I begin thinking along these lines, I often chuckle to remind myself that I am only ‘kind of a big deal’ in my own mind.

Picture a train, the engine is the power that drives it and the caboose (when used) served to house the crew responsible for track switching and acting as lookouts for load shifting or other concerns.  If we regard the TRUTH about our lives as the engine of the train that drives us, we can move along empowered by making decisions based on what we know to be right. 

If, on the other hand, we are led by our FEELINGS, it is as if we are letting the caboose engineer, (with a limited view), drive our life train and we become disempowered because we can be on a roller coaster driven by emotions and not truth. It is stressful and chaotic at best and ultimately results in, you guessed it, a train wreck!

Have you ever found yourself caught in the battle between facts and feelings? It's a tug-of-war that often leaves us wondering which should dictate our decisions and actions. 

Facts are like sturdy pillars that form the very foundation of truth. They are objective and universally accepted. Facts are based on evidence, research, and practical observations.

When we rely on facts, we make informed decisions grounded in logic and reason. They serve as our compass, assisting us in navigating challenging situations, problem-solving, and discovering new perspectives. 

On the other hand, feelings are subjective, personal, and intimately connected to our experiences. Our feelings are influenced by our values, beliefs, and unique life journeys, making them deeply personal and powerful. They bring color and light to our lives. 

Feelings provide us with clues about our emotional well-being, and help us understand and empathize with others' experiences. Feelings fuel our creativity, compassion, and the pursuit of happiness, creating beautiful connections in our relationships.

Neither facts nor feelings exist in isolation. In fact, they each bring unique wisdom and insights to the table. Recognizing the importance of both is the key to achieving harmony in our lives.

We can use facts to assess situations objectively, gather information, and make informed decisions. But we must also acknowledge our feelings, honoring our emotions and considering the impact they can have on our choices. By carefully integrating logic and empathy, we can make decisions that are both rational and compassionate.

Remember, embracing facts does not mean dismissing feelings, nor does honoring feelings entail disregarding facts. Rather, seeking a balance between the two can guide us towards making choices that are not only rational but also emotionally fulfilling.

Understanding the mindset of facts versus feelings requires us to be intentional in cultivating a belief system that is grounded in the truth about any given situation. This is the truth about what is and not what only may be or could be. It is recognizing the things we have the power to change as well as the ones we will need to learn to accept because we cannot change them.

One way I have found to help in a dilemma about facts versus feelings is to journal the questions, “What am I feeling about the current situation I am facing?” and then, “What is true about the current situation I am facing?” This can really prove to be a game-changer if you are prone to lean into your feelings, which may be assumptions about the way you believe that something is going to turn out.

Our feelings follow our actions, which allows us to be able to choose to do the next basic right thing, when we aren't certain what to do.. This choice will serve us well in developing a belief system that, “what is fact is true”, and “what is assumed, is yet to be determined”. 

Until next time.... 

-Sheri xo

When we are faced with a crisis or struggle, it is tempting to despair. Despair often makes us feel immobilized.

But it’s in this struggle that the best opportunities emerge, if we are looking for them. 

A crisis is an opportunity to change, grow, learn, reflect, and become better. It’s where we discover who we are and how to find opportunities that were unimaginable before the crisis.

When I experienced divorce, I had to venture to find myself and learn to reinvent. It led me to an opportunity that allowed me to eventually have my own business.

When I failed at communication in my relationships, I learned to improve and grow better.

When I ended up closing the business I had purchased, it led me to start one in light of the current season in life where I can coach, mentor and provide insight in things I’ve learned.

When my children have experienced difficulties and I am powerless to change anything, it has helped me develop more patience, learn the power of raw emotions and what can happen when you alter your perspective.

When my husband and I have arguments it is an opportunity to learn more about each other and grow closer and become better at finding common ground. I’ve learned that conflict, once resolved, brings intimacy.

When my daughters grew up and left to meet their appointments in life, I learned to grieve the loss of a simpler life when they were with me and to be vigilant to watch them soar as I cheer them on from where I stand. I am so proud of all they do because I have a big piece of my heart invested.... their wins feel like my wins too! And their challenges often feel like bigger challenges than my own, because there is little I can do to make things better... like I could when they were little girls and experienced a bump or bruise or a careless word spoken in haste. I felt more assured and confident to help them recognize good things then, in spite of only struggles. It seemed much easier when a kiss or hug, ice cream or a lollipop could quickly help them to get up, dust themselves off and get right back into whatever they were doing.

There is more opportunity for reflection, growth and sustainable change during adversity than any other time.  We can focus on finding the “more” of life. It is the place where we can find renewed hope when all else seems bleak.  It is here that we often renew our faith in God who uses challenges to lead us to greater purpose in life.

We have the opportunity to find the good in the struggle, if we choose to look. I have learned that we will pretty much find whatever we expect to find.  If we look for the good, it is evident in places we may never have considered.  If we look for the bad things, they seem to multiply and be enlarged in every direction we seek.

Life is about perception. What do you perceive to be the good that can come from your present set of circumstances?  If you feel you’ve hit bottom, there is only one place to look ~ up!

Be careful not to step on the orchids while searching for the roses. Rare are the opportunities that come tagged with a guarantee for success.

Life as you know it may change. Who said it would be easy? But who’s to say it won’t be good, even better. Let go of all that isn’t working for you and step up to opportunity that may be the thing you would’ve never imagined. When we relinquish what isn't working and what we can't control, we open ourselves up for unlimited options. 

So when life as I knew it changed and I felt paralyzed, I purposed that each day I will get up, show up and do the best I can with what lies before me.  

I never knew how well life could work until I decided to do the next basic “right” thing and allow the opportunities each day to be treated as something of value as opposed to something I would dread.

The irony is that I have learned that when I work to overcome that which cripples me with fear, the unknown, I find things really do happen for a reason!

I have a friend who has recently suffered a number of serious challenges with the loss of two family members, a serious health crisis of another family member and just exhaustion and weariness from it all. Yet, her light shines brightly and it inspires me to keep on keeping on despite some challenges I've faced in the last few months. 

What a joy it can be to allow God to use what weighs us down to be something that helps another to soar. 

When it comes to adding joy in our relationships, often when we can share our burdens and are assured again of those who are there for us, it reorders our priorities and we can again celebrate the gifts we have in those we love that we may lose sight of on occasion. 

As we head into the upcoming holiday season of thankfulness, spend sometime reflecting and journaling about the real opportunities you have that may have felt like challenges at one time. Be sure to share your thankfulness with those who sprinkle the joy and their sparkle just when you need it most.

And then go out and leave your own kinds of sparkle.... your light, just like my friend's, may be just one someone else needs to find the next step they need to take. 

Blessings and peace!

Until next time.....

-Sheri xoxo

I'd like to invite you to Join me on a 5-day Journey to do a deeper dive into discovering how you can find and maintain more joy-filled relationships... Sign up for Free here: https://joyfilledrelationships.com/landing/five-days

My  Online Group Coaching Program has begun -- https://joyfilledrelationships.com/application. Consider checking it our and signing up now (during the developmental stage) and receive huge discounts before 2024! 

If you feel you could use one, here's some wisdom for the journey.....

Today is a brand new day with new mercies. Your life is a blank piece of paper. How will you fill it?

I have gained a tremendous amount of wisdom in my almost 62 years. It began with my grandmother's investment in my life. Much of her sayings, quotes, colloquialisms are the thoughts my heart and mind land on when I am reflecting, wondering, and hoping for guidance and answers. My mother continued her mother's legacy to me and now, I aspire to live that out for my girls and their families. 

In addition, the greatest wisdom is what God has provided for us in His Word and through the experiences He brings us through. 

Below are some things that I would consider my Grandma-isms or my philosophies for doing life.... I would love to hear from you if any of them resonate with you.... Maybe you have a few of your own!?! Please use this link to message me through my website so I can enjoy them too! (https://joyfilledrelationships.com/#contact)

Confrontation that seeks to clear the air and restore peace is found in making the effort to listen to a person share their thoughts and feelings. When we know their story, it changes everything!

Whenever you are in doubt, don't.

Finding value in life's difficulties often results from asking the right questions... "What can I learn from this situation?"

When you don't know what to do, do the next basic right thing.

Obstacles are the things you see when you take your eyes OFF the goal.

A good reputation is of more value than great riches.

Guarding our words spares us unnecessary trouble. Want to quickly gain more peace in your life? Decide now to only give advice when asked!

In order to motivate people and release their potential, one thing is required ... you will need to believe in them.

Neither affluence nor education can surpass simple tenacity in the pursuit of success.

Do not withhold good from the one it is due.

The first lies we need to learn to avoid, are the ones spoken by our fears.

Anxiety in the heart causes depression; an encouraging word can bring peace.

Take care of what's important to God and He will take care of what's important to you!

God reserves His very best for those who leave the choice to Him!

A wise man changes his mind, a fool never does.

To be trusted is a greater compliment even than to be loved. 

When the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing, we change!. #boundaries

Concentrate on the condition you want not the one you are trying to dispose of.

Treat others as they can be and that is what they become.

We never miss the water until the well runs dry. 

Relinquish what isn't working for you ... and you become all you are meant to be!

Consider when you have been wronged that if they are able to live "with it" you are able to live "without it".

Whatever you look for in any given circumstance, you will find. Look for the good, that's what you will find; look for the bad, that's all you will see.

The best days of life begin when you learn to want what you have as opposed to having what you want.

Love is my commitment to the welfare of another.

Perhaps our time here is not so much to accomplish tasks but more to enjoy the presence of God in childlike wonder.

Attempting to solve problems with the same mindset that created them is a waste of time.

If people gossip with you, they will gossip about you.

Love the people who treat you well.  Pray for the ones who don’t.

Learn not to trade what you want most for what you want right now.

Don’t jump out of the frying pan into the fire. 

If you need undivided devotion; get a dog.

Whatever you do, do it without grumbling.  Grumbling makes every task more burdensome.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.

Don’t feed your mind or body with bad things.

Learn to enjoy your own company.  Solitude can be empowering.

Sing while in the shower and in the car with children.  It helps you to engage, and it helps them to remember.

Fear is an awesome motivator but a cruel taskmaster.

When you do all you can do, God will show up and do what only He can do.

Doing your best trumps not trying when you can’t be the best.

Be thankful in every situation; the good ones for obvious reasons; the difficult ones for the lessons.

There is more opportunity for maturity during adversity than at any other time.

Whatever your current situation, it came to pass, not to stay.

Treat others the way you would like for them to treat you.

If someone will lie to you; they will steal from you.

Live by your values.  Work from your passion and strengths.

Every situation can be a win-win. You either win it or you get the lesson from it.

Relinquish your past mistakes, and accept yourself with laughter.

Say what you mean, and truly mean what you say.

Let challenges bring growth, not create excuses.

Let go of resistance and you find peace.

Ask engaging questions to build authentic relationships.

Be alert to the moments that take your breath away.

Manage stress well in order to have the emotional energy to deal with the issues in life.

Resolve conflict before it becomes resentment.

You can have results or excuses, but not both!

Catch a sunset every chance you get.

Enjoy your work everyday. If you can't, find work that will enable you to.

Leave a legacy to your children that will carry them all of their lives.

Develop an openness to learn new things.

Memorize as many of God’s promises as possible.

Remind yourself to slow down, sip the coffee, smell the roses, and smile for no reason.

Cease from strife and worry. All things work out in God’s time.

Trust God’s heart when you can’t see His hand.

Make amends and work out your conflicts.

Avoid destructive habits and people.

Keep your commitments.

Be a person of your word.

Don’t return evil for evil; overcome it with good.

Do as much good as you can, as often as you can.

Pray to God with real words in a real way.

Find a little humor in every situation.

Minimize the things in life that pull you away from what is really important.

Be present at the important events in the lives of those you love.

Realize that the less often you make life “all about you” the more you can enjoy it.

Be fun and pleasant to be with.

Seek to understand rather than to be understood.

Overcome the tendency to judge and replace it with a heart of acceptance.

Live in such a way that the bad things you do are forgiven, and the good things you do bring glory to God and encourage others to seek a better path.

Often, my daughters seem to bring and leave a little sparkle everywhere they go.... I aspire to go higher in doing that as well.

May the wisdom of God and those who have loved you well light your way and make your path clear!

Until next time....

-Sheri xo