I have conversations with many women who have experienced lives with a lot of cool happenings. They are from all walks of life and all kinds of backgrounds. They are from all education levels as well as from all levels of what the world may measure as 'success'.
One of the things that seems to be present in most every deep conversation that I have with anyone is the heart's cry for the desire to have a feeling of “worthiness” or “appreciation” or “validation”.
I hear successful, seasoned, articulate, people, appearing almost child-like, expressing a single hope … to feel that they are valued by someone or some organization or team that they hold in high regard. In essence, they echo a very strong desire that is present in many of us … How can I cultivate feelings of self-worth or value from those that I 'need' to validate me so that I can know that I am okay?
The thing I am beginning to see is that contrary to our first initial response to this idea in our minds, self-esteem or self-worth does not come from someone else to us.
It comes from the inside out. It is part of a transformation process whereby we learn to not listen to the internal critic we have that tells us how and where we are lacking. The negative and hurtful voice that reminds us of every failure and each time we have missed 'the' mark.
To counteract this unwelcome conversation, we can remind ourselves of the value God has placed on us.
If it's not entirely clear to you how big of a sacrifice God made for us in giving His Son to trade places with us by taking on our sin so that we might gain His righteousness, ask yourself who would you be willing to give up your child for.... especially, if they didn't even show signs of wanting or needing your sacrifice.
The Creator of the Universe decided that you and I were important enough for Him to give the greatest gift.
With this understanding, I can get behind the idea that there must be something in my life that holds value and a special place for God, since He gave it all for me and for you!
Self-esteem in it’s most simplest definition is … doing the next basic right thing that God shows us … even if we do not ‘feel’ like it. This is turn, gives us a sense of well-being, security and not one of being dependent on someone else's approval.
When we do a super job on something, and we all do this at times, we truly know deep down, that it was a fabulous effort and success on our part and it lifts us up. Even if no one else noticed or complimented us. We just know.
That's how understanding our value and the truth that 'We are Enough' is reflected back through us. It is from the inside out. It is a gentle knowing that we stepped up to the plate, gave it our all and it worked!
We are dependent on God alone to lead us by His Word, His Spirit and the godly wisdom of those who live in accordance with His Will that He places in our lives.
You may be thinking, that sounds pretty simple.
The concept is simple, the training and reprogramming of our minds to receive or act on this revelation is limited only by one thing … our rejection of the idea that building our self-esteem is dependent solely on the choices we make.
Especially, since when it comes to our choices and decisions, the moment of 'perfect' certainty NEVER comes. Yet, hindsight is 20/20.
A little good news. God can uses our less-than-stellar and bad choices just as easily as He can use our good ones.
Oh, it's not as easy for us... but this can be the sandpaper that He uses to shape our character and smooth out the future of our journeys.
We have, for far too long, marinated on the idea that we need the approval and acceptance of others to feel whole.
So, here’s the good news and the bad news … YOU are in the driver’s seat of your own feelings of self-worth.
Whether we feel competent or able to build personal self-esteem, we can do it. Move confidently in the knowledge that YOU are a unique and gifted individual, loved by a Perfect and Holy God who ONLY wants what is best for you.
Each of us are created in God’s image and according to His design. What we do with what He has given us to work with is best determined by surrendering all of the hopeless feelings that come from depending on anyone else, but God, to make us feel a particular way … um better.
By surrender, I'm not talking about our initial decision to follow Christ as much as our decision to allow Him to conform our will to His. This process comes after we have accepted His gift of salvation.
When I finally began to understand that surrendering to His ways (by recognizing that my ways can be pretty costly at times), I learned that His sanctification process (that's the part where He's making us like Jesus), is actually quite easy to understand (not an easy path, but definitely a clear path).
He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to place our faith in His ability to work all things together for our good.
We can't do that while still holding the reins.
As I began to step fully into surrender (not a once-and-done thing... this is where we take up our cross and die daily to ourselves), I found that the answer to most of the major decisions and choices in my life have been made for me by God. And, as/if I wait on Him, He truly makes them abundantly clear at the right time.
We, as navigators of our own little universe, often find it hard to simply, wait. We would rather do just about anything else!
We often tell ourselves that time is 'a wastin' while we are waiting.
A little more good news. The Holy Spirit leads, but the devil drives. (Guess who always wants us to hurry on to the next thing!)
Think about how God creates. He made the heavens and the earth in 6 days (not here to argue whether it is a literal six days), but He's been working on heaven for 6000+ years. Can you imagine how awesome it must/will be?
That will make living down here about the same as living in a trash can.... so if God is perfect and He is waiting for the right time, why should we try to hurry through our 70-80-90 years?
When having a down day … instead of sitting around feeling down about all the things that cannot be changed, do the next basic right thing in your world … consider the things that can be changed and get to it.. at a pace that doesn't overwhelm you. It's not a sprint; it's a marathon.
Wash the car, walk the dog, clean the closet, pray, reach out to encourage someone else that is going through something that is obviously more difficult than the “down” day you are experiencing.
When you get up, show up and do the next basic right thing, you will be completely amazed at how it transforms feelings of unworthiness or hopelessness into positive ideas that provide the necessary emotional fuel (stamina) we need to truly understand our value.
The Bible teaches us to think (consider, meditate) on the things that are good, lovely and of a good report.
God has put within each of us, a tiny little voice that whispers, “this is the way to go or the thing to do…" So, we have the option to go confidently in that direction.
It's not nearly as important how people respond and react to you as it is how to respond to His still, quiet whispers. It is in quietness, that you will find your strength and your confidence to move in the direction He is leading.
Our feelings may appear to be insurmountable walls, but they are in reality, nothing more than perceived blockades that keep us from what we truly long for.
No other person can build us in a way that is sustainable. God has designed us and has great purpose for us. The greatest enemy we have at times is our own passivity.
Passivity, being the inability or unwillingness, to ‘push against’ the inhibiting thoughts and feelings that limit us and keep us from experiencing the simple joys and pleasures of each day we are given.
For each of us, there is a sweet spot of daily living and it is the same rhythm that leads us to maturity. It is simply choosing to do the right thing, regardless of how we feel about it.
What we think or focus on will impact what we believe. What we believe is what we will do and how we will live.
So, the question in any given situation becomes, What am I able to do in this situation?
Relinquish what you cannot change and you will become all you are meant to be.
And, by all means, e l i m i n a t e – every excuse for not doing all that you are able to do … to envision in your own mind, the YOU that God sees!
The greatest impact you will have is the life you will live out with those in your circle of influence.
It isn't rocket science; it's intentional living...
And the answer is....
Yes, You are Enough!!
Until next time....
-Sheri xo
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Christian Women*
*And women seeking to learn more about a relationship with Jesus Christ!
Are YOU Ready to Transform Negative Patterns into Healthy Boundaries and create Joy-Filled ❤️Relationships? If so, we need to talk!
I'd love for you to join my online community for Christian Women on Mighty Networks! It's free, it's a safe place where you can connect, share, be encouraged and learn to grow a deeper faith walk with the Lord! Here's the link; I hope to see you on the inside: https://joy-filled-relationships.mn.co/share/S_dOjQT7-iqLg9B1?utm_source=manual
I'd like to invite you to Join me on a 5-day Journey to do a deeper dive into discovering how you can find and maintain more joy-filled relationships... Sign up for Free here: https://joyfilledrelationships.com/landing/five-days
My Online Group Coaching Program has begun -- https://joyfilledrelationships.com/application. Consider signing up now (during the developmental stage) to receive huge discounts and Lifetime Access for as long as the program is offered! You'll never get a better opportunity or price!
If there is one thing to be discovered about the root of most of our problems / issues / concerns / anxiety / struggles / failures, I would say it rests somewhere in the midst of an inability to let go of things that we believe 'should' bring a particular outcome.
I hope you will stay with me here. Learning the grace of holding on to what is important and relinquishing what isn't working is a tremendous game changer.
Consider the morning flight of an eagle... she lives in the moment, totally focused on her flight, likely sharply focused on a search for food. She's not thinking about how unpleasant the weather is, what other birds think of her, will her next nest building be a success, or why she doesn't have feathers as cheerfully-colored as the cardinal. She doesn't have the anxiety that is associated with all of this comparison and desire to have things a certain way.
Our brains are bigger that the majestic eagle, which gives us the ability to solve problems, write poetry, build bridges and unfortunately, the ability, to create many issues or problems that we would be better off not having to deal with. We can easily step into feeling anxious, frustrated, depressed or angry over things that happen or might happen to us, then turn this feeling into an over-thinking session.
If we choose to relinquish what we cannot control (if we can't control it, what's the point of holding on to it anyway?), we are quickly able to reduce our stress and our propensity to procrastinate, improve our relationships, learn to embrace change, let go of limiting beliefs and unfavorable habits and become more present and intentional in our lives. This would certainly provide some freedom, right?
Stress and anxiety often come from wanting things to be or work out in a certain way when they can't or won't. A longing or a desire to avoid failure, difficult tasks, confusion or discomfort, often leads us to procrastinate. If we choose (and, it is a choice), to let go of the way we want or expect things to be, we can learn to accept and appreciate things as they are, allowing us to enjoy peace over chaos. This requires us to focus on the fact that God is Sovereign and it is all in His hands and under His control.
When we experience significant loss, such as a divorce, death of a loved one, or loss of a job, there is a grieving period that we will face... it's best to step in and allow the grief to come as you feel the pain or loss. Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice that we make when we choose to hold onto or obsess over things we cannot change. When we choose to release it, we can allow the process to grow us. This often requires a moment-by-moment choice in the early phases. If we are willing to ask God to be with us and to strengthen us, He will help us learn the things He wants to teach us during this season of our lives.
Fear is often the deep root of our unwillingness to let go of things we cannot change or control. When we want (or feel we deserve) things to be a certain way, we can become immobilized in starting our own business, losing weight or anything that requires us to step out of our comfort zone.
Things that don't align with our ideal are often the very things that help us to grow or experience things beyond anything we ever imagined. The fantasy in our ideals is that they whisper (or yell) that our life will be "easy", that we must 'know' what we are doing at all times and 'feel' totally competent and successful. We tell ourselves that if all of these 'ideals' do not align, we will avoid them and refuse to move forward.
It is God who is the initiator of all change in our lives, and He offers us the ability to let go of what isn't working for us so we can pursue our desire to grow, build, create, and truly experience the best of our lives. The pathway to achieving anything of value is growing through the processes of our lives. When we attempt things we don't know, we learn new things, new skills, and with practice, we can get really good at doing them. When we learn better, we can choose to do better.
Regarding our relationships, we often are tempted to either avoid the challenging ones, expect others to do what we think is right, not take initiative to be the change we want to see, or believe it is up to someone else to do something some other way…. (you may want to reread that sentence).
My grandmother often said, “If it’s to be, it’s up to me”. Our choices and taking initiative can become powerful components to letting go of what we are weighed down by so that we can soar in the mindset and opportunities that bring joy and freedom.
The most compelling thing we can do to change the way we feel is to change the way we think and speak. What I mean is that our negative self-talk that typically comes from negative or limiting beliefs, is the most definitive thing that dictates whether we will feel sad, lonely, rejected, discouraged, fearful and not supported.
Turning that around Into a positive thought life can bring us clarity and encouragement to believe the best about ourselves, our circumstances and others in our lives.
If you don’t believe it try this little exercise, spend 2 or 3 minutes focusing on all that you are mad, sad or scared about and observe the feelings that arise. Next, spend 2 or 3 minutes focusing on what you are happy, glad or delighted about and observe how your feelings become lighter and more encouraging.
Old habits and patterns of negative self-talk and thinking are many times the culprit behind our feelings. Yet, we often look for the remedy in something else that someone else has done, needs to do, or won’t do. Thus, we have handed off control of our peace and calm to someone else to be in control.
Yet, we have the complete ability to consider what can go right in any given situation as opposed to what can go wrong. We can focus on what is good, true and right and not on what we don’t have, hate or won’t stand for.
If we take a walk and look down at the grey asphalt or cracks in the sidewalk, we may never get to enjoy the sunshine, blooming flowers or beautiful birds. Whatever we look for in a situation, good or bad, that’s what we see. If we focus on it, whether good or bad, that’s all we see.
We can learn to be thankful for the challenges that lead to achievement, the discomfort that leads to growth, the uncertainly that leads to learning, and the difficulties in our relationships that lead us to resolving differences.
It is all a choice that we are completely at liberty to make!
Sheri Geyer is a Relationship Coach for Christian Women*
*And women seeking to learn more about a relationship with Jesus Christ!
Are YOU Ready to Transform Negative Patterns into Healthy Boundaries and create Joy-Filled ❤️Relationships? If so, we need to talk!
I'd love for you to join my online community for Christian Women on Mighty Networks! It's free, it's a safe place where you can connect, share, be encouraged and learn to grow a deeper faith walk with the Lord! Here's the link; I hope to see you on the inside: https://joy-filled-relationships.mn.co/share/S_dOjQT7-iqLg9B1?utm_source=manual
I'd like to invite you to Join me on a 5-day Journey to do a deeper dive into discovering how you can find and maintain more joy-filled relationships... Sign up for Free here: https://joyfilledrelationships.com/landing/five-days
My Online Group Coaching Program has begun -- https://joyfilledrelationships.com/application. Consider signing up now (during the developmental stage) to receive huge discounts and Lifetime Access for as long as the program is offered! You'll never get a better opportunity or price!
