Blog Category: Healthy Boundaries

In the journey of life, one of the most painful experiences we may encounter is the estrangement from close relationships due to relational hurts or misunderstandings. This painful separation can leave us feeling lonely, confused, and questioning our faith. 

However, as Christians, we have a unique opportunity to embrace growth and spiritual maturity even in the midst of estrangement. 

These fiery furnaces in our lives have been allowed by God for purposes that most of us cannot possibly fathom. God develops our character and strengthens our faith as a result of the challenges we may face in our close personal relationships. 

He certainly understands what is means to have a wedge created in a close relationship.

These painful seasons are not something we would ever sign up for.... but, if God allows it, we can rest assured that there are some things we can learn from it, as we lean into God and trust Him. 

As we navigate through our challenging relationship seasons, we may be able to gain needed insight into important areas of spiritual growth. This understanding will likely come in the midst of our circumstances more so than in spite of them. 

In situations like this, it can be really easy to judge the other person and their motives. My grandmother would often comment on situations like this by saying, "Before you judge a person, make sure you have first walked a mile in their shoes". 

Very wise advice. I, for one, have had to learn this the hard way, at times. My hurt feelings can often cause me to lose sight of owning my part in the situation. I am thankful to know that God can still use my mess-ups to grow me up and to give me greater understanding. 

He has set a great model on offering grace, as well!

Developing the needed growth and maturity to work through our own personal emotions during these seasons will require us to be aware that God wants us to be willing to allow Him to do the needed work in our hearts, even as we are praying that He will work in the hearts of those we are missing and longing to reconnect with again, at some point. 

Waiting on God in the midst of painful situations in our close relationships is no different than having to work through any other areas of growth we will need to navigate these unchartered waters. 

Finding the support and encouragment we need throughout the process is critical for us to function in light of the loss or estrangement of significant relationshps.

God wastes nothing. Not even our most painful seasons. All that is happening in our lives is preparation for the work He wants to do in us so that He can, at some point, do a healing work through us to others who are in similar situations. 

Our struggles are temporary assignments that can shape our character more into the image of Christ. The choice is ours to either become better or bitter in the midst of them.

Let's explore how our faith can help us navigate this challenging season and find redemption through mature love and forgiveness:

1. We can Learn by Practice to Surrender to God's Plan:

Understanding that God's plan for our lives is greater than any human relationship, is the foundation on which we can start building our journey towards maturity. Accepting that our circumstances are part of His divine plan helps us surrender our pain and longing for reconciliation into His hands. Surrender can be so challenging because, in essence, we are giving up the 'perceived' control that we only 'thought' we had. When we relinquish control and trust God's timing, we can be assured that He will work all things together for our ultimate good. (Romans 8:28).

2. Seek Comfort through Scripture:

During times of estrangement, finding solace in God's Word becomes essential. A deep dive into Scripture helps to remind us of God's unchanging love and promises. Reflecting on passages such as Psalms, where many times David would cry out to God in anguish during troubled times, can bring us calm and comfort. Allowing God's truth to fill our hearts can bring healing and the patience we need to wait on Him and His timing. God can comfort our hearts and bring much needed peace even in the midst of our darkest days. And the beautiful thing is that He can use these difficulties to bring enlightenment to others as they observe how we are learning to cast all of our cares on the One who cares so deeply for us and for those we love.

3. Embrace Self-Reflection and Growth:

Estrangement gives us an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. Take this time to evaluate your actions, emotions, and attitudes. Seek God's guidance to uncover any areas of your own life that may have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. By using this opportunity to grow in grace, empathy, and humility, we can allow Christ to refine our character. I especially like the request made of the Lord in Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me, God, and know my heart; put me to the test and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there is any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way".

4. Cultivate Forgiveness and Grace:

Forgiveness and grace are pillars of our Christian faith. As difficult as it may be, forgiveness releases the heavy burden of bitterness and resentment. Remember, forgiveness does not always equate to a quick reconciliation, but it frees us to love and heal from within. Forgiveness is the only path to true healing and freedom from the hurt. Choosing to extend grace, just as God extends His grace to us, allows us to release any expectations, judgments, or desire for vindication.

5. Surround Yourself with a Supportive Community:

In times of estrangement, it is crucial to surround ourselves with a supportive community of believers. Seek out like-minded individuals who can provide encouragement, prayer, and biblical guidance. Share your journey with trusted friends or join a support group where you can find understanding and solace in the shared experiences of others. 

While the pain of estrangement from close family relationships may feel insurmountable, as followers of Christ, we have the opportunity to journey toward maturity, redemption, and healing. Through surrender, seeking solace in Scripture, self-reflection, forgiveness, and building a supportive community, we can grow closer to God and emerge stronger. 

Remember, our ultimate goal is to reflect the love and character of Christ in all situations, trusting that God's plan is working for our good. Let us press on in faith, knowing that He will guide us every step of the way.

Until next time....

-Sheri xo

It would be a nice reminder to respond to the “facts” about our life situations if people asked us, “What is true about your life today?”, or “What is going on that you can impact to make a difference?” This, possibly, could become a trigger to think on what is true about our lives as opposed to what we “feel” is true about our lives.

We can easily become overly concerned about what we ‘think” someone else is ‘thinking’ regarding us. When, in actuality, we or our situation may be the furthest thing from their minds.  When I begin thinking along these lines, I often chuckle to remind myself that I am only ‘kind of a big deal’ in my own mind.

Picture a train, the engine is the power that drives it and the caboose (when used) served to house the crew responsible for track switching and acting as lookouts for load shifting or other concerns.  If we regard the TRUTH about our lives as the engine of the train that drives us, we can move along empowered by making decisions based on what we know to be right. 

If, on the other hand, we are led by our FEELINGS, it is as if we are letting the caboose engineer, (with a limited view), drive our life train and we become disempowered because we can be on a roller coaster driven by emotions and not truth. It is stressful and chaotic at best and ultimately results in, you guessed it, a train wreck!

Have you ever found yourself caught in the battle between facts and feelings? It's a tug-of-war that often leaves us wondering which should dictate our decisions and actions. 

Facts are like sturdy pillars that form the very foundation of truth. They are objective and universally accepted. Facts are based on evidence, research, and practical observations.

When we rely on facts, we make informed decisions grounded in logic and reason. They serve as our compass, assisting us in navigating challenging situations, problem-solving, and discovering new perspectives. 

On the other hand, feelings are subjective, personal, and intimately connected to our experiences. Our feelings are influenced by our values, beliefs, and unique life journeys, making them deeply personal and powerful. They bring color and light to our lives. 

Feelings provide us with clues about our emotional well-being, and help us understand and empathize with others' experiences. Feelings fuel our creativity, compassion, and the pursuit of happiness, creating beautiful connections in our relationships.

Neither facts nor feelings exist in isolation. In fact, they each bring unique wisdom and insights to the table. Recognizing the importance of both is the key to achieving harmony in our lives.

We can use facts to assess situations objectively, gather information, and make informed decisions. But we must also acknowledge our feelings, honoring our emotions and considering the impact they can have on our choices. By carefully integrating logic and empathy, we can make decisions that are both rational and compassionate.

Remember, embracing facts does not mean dismissing feelings, nor does honoring feelings entail disregarding facts. Rather, seeking a balance between the two can guide us towards making choices that are not only rational but also emotionally fulfilling.

Understanding the mindset of facts versus feelings requires us to be intentional in cultivating a belief system that is grounded in the truth about any given situation. This is the truth about what is and not what only may be or could be. It is recognizing the things we have the power to change as well as the ones we will need to learn to accept because we cannot change them.

One way I have found to help in a dilemma about facts versus feelings is to journal the questions, “What am I feeling about the current situation I am facing?” and then, “What is true about the current situation I am facing?” This can really prove to be a game-changer if you are prone to lean into your feelings, which may be assumptions about the way you believe that something is going to turn out.

Our feelings follow our actions, which allows us to be able to choose to do the next basic right thing, when we aren't certain what to do.. This choice will serve us well in developing a belief system that, “what is fact is true”, and “what is assumed, is yet to be determined”. 

Until next time.... 

-Sheri xo


Do you have a personal or professional relationship in which there always seems to be a level of tension present? Sometimes, the more contact we have with certain people, the more we become aware of a strain in the relationship.  Do you know what I’m talking about?  

How do you determine the shifts you experience in certain relationships? Perhaps, the connection, at one point, was mutually beneficial, but now many times you may feel taken advantage of, even exploited?   What’s the best way to handle such relationships?  

If you answered yes to any of these questions it could be an indication that some personal boundaries are in order to protect yourself by reducing the stress and working to improve the relationship?  What would this look like and how does one do it?  If you’re willing, I’d like to coach you through this a bit by sharing my perspective on boundaries. 

 

Any one or all of these may arise when we position ourselves at the center of others lives, and begin to take responsibility for others that is neither appropriate nor healthy.  When this happens, others may not be aware that we are feeling overwhelmed or taken advantage of in the relationship.  Prayerful consideration of a plan to engage them in a loving and honest conversation can be a good place to start.   This would provide an opportunity for mutual feelings and concerns to be shared in an effort to clear up confusion, and help to get the relationship back on an even keel.

However, it is often the case that boundary issues are generally more complicated.  My experience is that persons who regularly disregard others’ boundaries, often referred to as boundary busters, have a hard time hearing “NO”.  

This is very difficult for many of us who consider ourselves peacemakers and we may struggle with the idea that this seems like we would be acting selfishly.  We may find ourselves in this place as a result of having good motives to “esteem others greater than ourselves”. While this is Scripturally correct, I believe it is important here to recognize that Jesus modeled relationships built on mutual voluntary concern for others.  

In the case where He approached the lame man by the pool of Bethesda, He didn’t run over this person’s option to remain in the state he was in.  Jesus asked him if he desired to be healed. In speaking with the rich young ruler, Jesus gave him the “choice” to own responsibility for how he would live.  In both situations, Jesus respected each one’s right to govern their lives by their personal limits.  One man chose well, the other one did not.  The Bible indicates that both men were aware of the responsibilities around their choices.

When you decline to get involved in a particular event or activity, a boundary buster may attempt several strategies to get you to change your ‘no’ to ‘yes’.  You may feel bulldozed into doing what you had originally decided against, and later feel angry and resentful.  Eventually, this anger can begin to create tension in the relationship. It erodes self-esteem by introducing fear that acceptance is based on our compliance.  

I am a previous owner of a barbershop, where I worked for nearly two years before acquiring it from the original owner. One of the women who worked there since the beginning felt privileged around certain financial rewards because she was somewhat of a “star player” on the team.  At the beginning of my ownership, accompanied by my CPA, I laid out the plan for compensation, which was based on commission in a manner that made the playing field level.  

This particular lady, suspecting that she wasn’t getting preferential treatment, began discussing finances with others who worked there.  Upon finding out that everyone was paid at the same rate, she was livid, to the point of reminding me what the previous owner had promised.  After careful consideration, I called a meeting with her and politely laid down the guidelines, acutely aware that if she chose to walk I could very well expect a third of the clientele to follow her.  Still I stuck to my guns.  And, she walked.  She had notified her customers and many followed.  Those who didn’t called and I provided her contact information.  In less than a year, I got word that she had retired, sold her house and moved out of state.  I found this out as a result of about 95% of her clientele resumed coming to the barbershop, and, many, chose to see me personally.  Many commented that they appreciated that I had given them her contact info and came back to the shop because they liked the atmosphere and felt comfortable.

This particular incident was a turning point in my life.  My biggest learning curve around this was that when I choose to set boundaries, having good motives, I can trust that God will always work it out for good.  To this day even though I no longer cut hair, I am in touch with many former customers.  I didn’t rely on the world’s means of provision for my shop.  I learned to believe in a God who has promised never to leave me or forsake me and to always provide for me!

Boundaries are not a means of getting revenge.  They are a means of applying self-control in our lives by giving every relationship we have the opportunity to grow and flourish.  While they may seem harsh or inconsiderate, they are a visible means of communication to others.  

Boundaries, like fences, need to have gates. The gate serves to push the bad out and to receive the good in.  A fence with no gate is nothing more than a wall.

In such situations, a relationship can be put back on track by calmly and assertively establishing limits around what we will or will not tolerate in our lives. This may be met with disbelief or disdain by some, but over time consistent limits will either draw the relationship back into healthy alignment or create distance.  In either case, the level of respect that you are regarded with will typically increase.  

The difficulty here will be in “feeling” that we will lose the relationship.  A different perspective may be that we are setting it up to potentially improve the relationship over time.  It really is loving-kindness toward ourself and the other person when we work to create a safe relationship of mutual regard for one another’s feelings and desires.

A sidebar to the barbershop story is that within several months from the time the former coworker left my shop to work at a different location a few miles away, she actually sent me a card to say “thank you” for directing her clients to her new location.  Thus, respect comes into play around setting appropriate limits in a kind and considerate manner and with a level of consistency that allows the other person to regard you with an assurance that you do, in fact, keep your word.  By establishing these limits early on, you can relax and enjoy more peaceful and loving relationships.  

 
Becoming drawn to those who respect our boundaries, gives us the support we need to develop healthy limits with those with whom we are in a relationship that has some challenges..  We can begin to develop the courage of evaluating our relationships and determining where or when boundaries may need to be placed.  

It is absolutely essential to have support as you begin the process of establishing safe limits in a difficult relationship or situation in life. We also need to be respectful of others’ boundaries. Thus, setting an example of the way we desire to be treated.


Boundaries provide the structure for balance and success in our lives and work. When we learn to value what we are responsible for: such as our feelings, talents, thoughts, attitudes, behavior and personal wellbeing, we can take necessary steps to protect them.  

In protecting our treasures, i.e. guarding our hearts, we are able to allow the good to get in and the bad to stay out. 

Guilty feelings are normal when we begin to establish boundaries.  

Setting limits in our lives may activate a critical internal judge.  When we cease listening to the overactive conscience and respond according to values of love, kindness, responsibility and forgiveness, the feelings of guilt will diminish.  

It is okay for us to say no to things that God would not want for us either.  The difficulty comes when we fear the reactions of others and / or the loss of relationship.  This is why a support system made up of people who will respect our ‘no’ is so important. 

Unless we are free to say “no” we are not truly free to say “yes” out of a heart of love and service.  Anything short of saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when we choose is out of obligation and not out of freedom.

If you recognize your need to establish safe and loving boundaries and are uncertain as to where you should begin, consider getting some coaching.  Coaching will provide you the opportunity to express your concerns, receive an objective opinion around your motives, and the opportunity to do a little “role” play to be able to look at the view from both sides of the “fence”.

In addition to learning how to establish limits, coaching provides you with an opportunity to receive support to have those difficult conversations and encouragement as you wait and allow God to do the work in the heart of the other person.

For more information regarding how coaching can help you to establish healthy boundaries, please check out my website at JoyFilledRelationships.com.

Unfortunately, depending on the safety of the situation, boundaries may best be put in motion within the safety of a coach, pastor, counselor or mutual friend of those in the relationship.  If your particular situation could become dangerous, seek the help of those who can offer you the safety that you need, prior to laying the foundation for the needed limits.


Healthy, mature boundaries provide the freedom to establish goals based on personal values. Setting these goals helps us determine our God-given purpose and the balance to better navigate life. 

We make choices based on what we determine to be important and not out of fear of how others may react.   When we are free to say no, we are then free to say yes.  

We build better relationships by setting safe limits and truly being able to live at peace with others.

Until next time....

-Sheri xo

Toxic relationships, self-sabotaging behaviors and fear-based mindsets will consistently derail our efforts, drain our energy and hinder our growth and ability to create a life we won’t need to try to escape from. Are you tired of falling into the same negative patterns in your relationships? Do you find yourself feeling stuck, frustrated, and emotionally drained by repetitive cycles of conflict and disappointment? Don't let negative patterns dictate the course of your relationships any longer. It's time to break free….

Since successfully navigating the challenges of divorce, abandonment and a host of other relationship challenges in both childhood and in marriage, I have spent nearly 20 years coaching numerous women, both personally and professionally, and equipping them with the tools and strategies necessary to experience a transformational process that allows them to create joy-filled relationships and emotional stability!

If you are Ready to Transform Negative Patterns into Healthy Boundaries, then we need to chat…..!

"A joy-filled relationship is like a warm cup of coffee on a chilly morning—it wraps around you, warms your heart, and infuses your entire being with a sense of lasting joy."

Healthy boundaries are essential in all of our relationships, since they create a framework for respect, trust, emotional well-being. They guide us in how to set limits on what is acceptable and what is not!. Boundaries define where one person ends and another person begins, ensuring that both individuals have the safety to share their needs, desires, and personal values. They empower us to prioritize our personal well-being rather than compromise our values. 

Ultimately, by setting and respecting healthy boundaries, relationships can thrive and grow through mutual respect, understanding, and fulfillment.

Remember, your personal well-being is too important to be compromised by negative patterns. Boundaries allow you to take control of your life, break free from the chains that hold you back, and live a life filled with emotional wholeness and lasting joy!

Some underlying causes of negative patterns may be due to unmet childhood needs, fear of loss or rejection, feelings of neglect or of not being accepted. Breaking free from negative relational patterns begins with reflecting back on our lives and identifying recurring behaviors that have led to undesirable outcomes. 

Once negative patterns emerge in relationships they cause unique challenges and inhibit open and honest communication and intimacy. This may lead to resentment if one or both parties begins to feel unheard or disconnected.

Controlling behaviors can erode trust and lead to a loss of self-esteem, especially in important relationships. Consistent neglect or avoidance of emotional connection can result in hurt, resentment, and a breakdown of the relationship. Breaking free from negative relationship patterns requires a commitment to personal growth and support. 

Relationship coaching offers invaluable guidance in navigating these challenges and acquiring necessary tools to make lasting change. A faith community with other Christian women in a group coaching environment provides a powerful way to connect and receive support, encouragement and accountability, and may maximize our efforts.

Acknowledging the detrimental impact of negative patterns can motivate us to make changes. Learning to question the narratives we've been telling ourselves and the choices we’ve made helps us to come to understand that God has a better plan for us than continually repeating relational patterns that create chaos. When we have the support we need to gain clarity on our negative patterns and develop the courage to dismantle them, we will find that the changes we long for are not only needed but they are entirely possible!

Boundaries act as emotional fences that define where we end and where others begin. Creating and maintaining healthy relationships is a key aspect of leading a fulfilling life. At the heart of joy-filled relationships is a solid understanding of how boundaries serve as essential guides for taking responsibility for our own emotions and actions, while simultaneously encouraging others to do the same. By effectively communicating our limits, desires, and needs, we can build relationships that are rooted in trust, honesty, and reciprocity, where conflicts are minimized, and communication becomes more authentic and meaningful. 

Implementing boundaries helps us conserve our emotional energy by preventing us from falling into unhealthy habits such as people-pleasing, codependency, perfectionism or faking fine. They guide us in recognizing when to say "yes" to activities, opportunities, and relationships that align with our values and aspirations. Equally important, boundaries empower us to say a respectful "no" when something doesn't resonate with us, guarding against resentment and burnout.

While boundaries are crucial for cultivating healthy relationships, it is important to note that they require ongoing communication, flexibility, and empathy. They should be flexible yet firm, consistently adjusted as relationships evolve and grow. By openly discussing boundaries with our loved ones, we can create an environment where everyone feels heard, understood, and valued.

Since boundaries are the secret to maintaining balance, preserving relationships, and achieving personal growth, let's explore even more of the advantages:

1. Empowerment and Self-Respect: Establishing healthy boundaries empowers us to prioritize our needs and values, and not feel obliged to say yes to everything, allowing us to make choices that align with our authentic self.

2. Reduced Stress and Burnout: Without clear boundaries, it becomes challenging to manage our time and energy effectively. By setting limits on our commitments and responsibilities, we create space to rejuvenate, reduce stress, avoid burnout, and enhance our overall well-being.

3. Improved Relationships: Since boundaries are the framework for healthy relationships, they are a blueprint for mutual respect, trust, and communicating our limits, needs, and expectations, helping ensure that our relationships are a source of joy and not chaos.

4. Enhanced Productivity and Focus: When our boundaries are intact, we can devote the necessary energy to our tasks without distractions or interruptions. We are able to create a structured environment that allows us to focus on priorities and becoming more effective and efficient in our endeavors.

5. Improved Emotional Maturity: By understanding and communicating our emotions and needs, we are able to protect our mental and emotional well-being and manage challenging situations with more grace and resilience.

6. Personal Growth and Development: Boundaries serve as a catalyst for personal growth and development. Saying no to what does not align with our goals and values creates space for personal and professional growth. By mastering the art of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, we are able to eliminate old patterns, beliefs, and limitations and become more intentional on our journey to a more fulfilling, authentic, and empowered life.

Toxic relationships, self-sabotaging behaviors and fear-based mindsets will consistently derail our efforts, drain our energy and hinder our growth and ability to create a life we won’t need to try to escape from.

Are you tired of falling into the same negative patterns in your relationships? Do you find yourself feeling stuck, frustrated, and emotionally drained by repetitive cycles of conflict and disappointment? Don't let negative patterns dictate the course of your relationships any longer. It's time to break free….

Since successfully navigating the challenges of divorce, abandonment and a host of other relationship challenges in both my childhood and in marriage, I have spent over 20 years working with numerous women, mostly Christian, and helping to equip them with the necessary tools and strategies to learn to create God-honoring relationships and emotional wellness that brings lasting joy! 

At the encouragement and financial provision from my mother, I attended Christian Leadership Coach training in 2007-2008. After completing the training and being mentored by other coaches, I received my Master Christian Life Coaching Certification in 2012. This journey has been one of joy and tears as I've certainly learned that I can't coach or lead where I won't go. God has taken me through the journey of reflecting on my life and identifying negative relational patterns that have held me in bondage and He has taught me a better way to do life and relationships. I am super passionate about coaching other Christian women through their transformational journeys.

Relationship Coaching in a supportive group environment of other Christian women on similar journeys will empower you to gain the confidence you need to challenge your limiting beliefs and unhealthy habits so you can think and live differently. The hope, insight and wisdom available to you will provide an excellent opportunity to be equipped for developing emotional wholeness and cultivating safe relationships that enhance your life. The key factor for creating the joy-filled relationships you desire is your commitment to personal growth.

Your journey towards a more balanced and enriching life, a deeper, more intimate walk with Christ and learning to create Joy-Filled ❤️ Relationships℠ is not only possible, it is closer than you might think!

Stay tuned for more information regarding a Monthly Facebook Live Joy-Filled ❤️ Relationships Group Coaching Event that will kick off (ETA September 2023). I am super excited to offer this free monthly event to all Christian Women in the Facebook Group, "Joy-Filled Relationships aka Boundaries". 

Additionally, this event will coincide with the Launch of my Coaching Business. You can stay up-to-date by checking my website (currently being built) JoyFilledRelationships.com. 

Other things in the works, are my online coaching program, including live weekly coaching, online courses,  and my Joy-Filled ❤️ Relationships Podcast. There is lots happening in my world and I would greatly appreciate your prayers for God's continued guidance as well as for the hearts and minds of women who are and have been praying for answers and guidance in these types of relationship challenges. 

Please feel free to reach out to me by clicking on the ‘Contact Me’ tab on my site with any questions you may have. I will be offering a *30-minute consult to any Christian women who are interested in learning more, beginning August 1, 2023.

In order to grow, one of the most important lessons that we can invest time in learning is how to sit calmly and wait in our discomfort. This is a temporary task, but not an easy one. We are not in control of the timeframe. But God is. 

The most fertile ground for growth in our life, spiritually and emotionally, is during our times of uncertainty. The moment of perfect certainty for any decision or choice we are faced with, NEVER comes. But, hindsight is 20/20. 

When we are in school as children, we received our lessons and then we were given the test. That's not so much the way it works in our adult worlds. We typically are faced with the test, and then we get the lesson.

God, not principles, doctrines, habits or routines is our greatest Source of Life and Love.  His plan is for true connection and deep relationships. The determining factors of true connectedness are genuine, healthy relatedness, the ability to be vulnerable and having close relationships where we are not ashamed of being who we truly are. To grow we need to be in relationship with God and with safe people we can trust, whose character we know to be reliable.

Many of our struggles can stem from trying to control things outside of our control. When we focus on this effort, we often lose control of ourselves.  God is in control of the big picture … we are to maintain self-control of our own lives and what He has given to us.

Praying the Serenity Prayer helps us regain control of our lives. "God grant me the Serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". 

The Fall reversed God's order of things, leaving us looking to become independent from God, our Source:

~A desire to be like God.

~A desire to gain life outside of relationship with God.

~An assumption that wisdom and knowledge could be gained apart from God, the True Source.

~A step away from the role of dependence on God.

In addition to becoming independent of God, Adam & Eve lost their relationship with Him and with each other. Death meant separation from Him, who is Life!  They entered a state of becoming enemies of God and lost their intimacy and vulnerability with each other … naked & ashamed.

The impact on us personally is that love became much harder to find and even harder to sustain.

Thankfully, God, in Christ, offers reconciliation for all things. This happens in every one who applies it to their life. The process of growth itself is the returning of everything to it’s rightful and righteous place before God. Solving life’s problems and growing spiritually are one and the same thing! In redemption, we come back to God as the Source of Life. 

We seek Him first. He is the One who adds life. We come back to full dependence on God alone. He is the Source of healing and growth. Redemption helps us get to the end or our attempt to provide for ourselves, and turn our full focus to God for strength, truth, healing, care, correction, etc. 

To return to the created order means to get back into relationship with God and with each other.  Everything in life depends on loving God and loving others. Redemption reconciles us into right relationship with God by faith and forgiveness, and re-establishes connection. Secondly, redemption reverses our alienation and isolation from each other and get us rightly connected.  It is a surrender to God as Lord in every area of our life.  

As we grow spiritually by deepening our intimacy with God and being in true connection to others who are safe for us, we cease making destructive choices, and begin to do things that lead to a better life. We give up control, initiate self-control and allow others to be who they were meant to be. 

In essence, we stop making up our own rules and live the life God has designed us to live. 

Our expectations can cause us to hold rigid standards in how we judge others, as opposed to offering them the grace that we all receive by surrendering our will to God. When we focus on the faults of others and not on their hearts, we lose out on learning their fears, vulnerabilities and the things they are passionate about. 

When we hold space for others, we provide a safe place where’s there’s enough grace to open up and bring things into the light where they can be healed. When we act in a way that displeases God, He doesn’t condemn, He connects with our heart, and offers us grace.

As we discover and acknowlege that God is for us and not against us, we can grow because we are able to shift from a natural human view of God to a real, Biblical view of God. We shift from seeing a God of Law to a God of Grace. We are then able to see Him as One who loves us and not someone we need to avoid when we fail.

Once our view of God shifts, we can learn to love as He has loved us. We are able to offer grace as well as lovingly confront when needed. We can accept responsibility for our lives and choices and allow others to do the same. We practice self-control and not other-control. This enables us to become safe people who have a strong connection to God as well as healthy boundaries to receive what is good and to eliminate what is bad in our lives.

We demonstrate that we are a safe person for others by respecting their boundaries, as well as allowing them to bear the consequences of their choices. Most of the process involves learning to become aware, responsive and dependent on Jesus on a daily basis… thus being built up in the faith.

One way to bear the necessary pain of growth is to be humble. We then become willing to allow something uncomfortable to happen to us, if it’s the right thing to do. To be comforted, understood and strengthened, we need God and others in our life. Jesus modeled dependence on God and on His inner circle. When Jesus was hurt by others, he didn’t focus on the injurer, giving control of His life to them. He didn’t allow His hurts to alter His direction or values in life. 

If we deny our emotional hurts, we remain injured. In painful times, the temptation comes to get our needs met in ways other than what is God’s best for us. 

Our desire to grow or change is initiated by God. Growth begins in a secure relationship and in alignment with God. The Holy Spirit will always be with us and will search our hearts and show us what we need to change. He will give us the ability to do the things we need to do.

The power of the Holy Spirit often draws us toward His truth, when we are facing an issue. He will often allow this 'concern' to stay with us, simply camped out in our minds, waiting for us to deal with it. This usually means doing the 'next basic right thing'. This is a time to commit to pray until we sense His gentle press in how we should move or respond. Prayer changes things, either instantly or over time.

Our most basic need in life is for relationship. Acceptance builds trust and relationship. We cannot grow unless we are sure that we are known and loved. Relationships where we receive warmth and the permission to be ourselves, allow us to become more vulnerable and bring parts of ourselves to light, that need to be connected. The connection to relationship itself fuels growth in us, because we have the support that we need.

Support enables each of us to go through our times of grief, trials, growth and a whole host of other challenges. To support others during their difficult times, we offer acceptance and grace and patiently wait as God uses us to encourage them in their walk. As we learn to trust each other, we are open to share vulnerabilities and weaknesses. We feel less empty and isolated. Confession opens the soul to being loved by others. Eventually our wings will heal and we will, once again, soar as God intended! 

We all have coping mechanisms to cover pain, help us deal with fear, manage relational inabilities, and help us hold it all together. Trials and suffering push those mechanisms past the breaking point so we can find where we need to grow. Then true spiritual growth begins at deeper levels and we are healed.

Once we are moving on a path toward healing, righteousness and character take the place of coping, and the prize we win is character. We stretch to grow by pushing through fear, vulnerability and pain. We gain strength when we ask God the question, “What can I learn from this?” When we look to God for wisdom and the steps to maturity, and complete the steps we don't have to repeat the lesson.

Pain that prohibits us from healing, comes from ruminating, recounting and repeating old patterns of attempting to avoid the suffering it would take to change them. We can suffer greatly because of personal character faults. We have to avoid the enemy’s temptation to medicate the pain and continue to repeat the mistakes. While pain is inevitable, suffering is optional!

Self-medication methods such as performance, perfectionism, materialism, busyness, control, etc., deceive us into believing we can avoid suffering. However, these vices cannot carry the weight of the problems they try to mask. 

Often, the underlying reasons why people demonstrate defensive character patterns such as detaching when things get heated and / or withdrawing when things get uncomfortable are because of fear or hurt. The best way to feel powerful in a relationship is to stand there and be honest.

To reach higher levels of emotional health and maturity, we have to give back better than we receive, regardless of how we are treated. We are able to choose to overcome evil with good. This is how we are saved from other people’s problems and their outcomes. 

We are only as healthy as our ability to relate as God relates; He is honest, loving, forgiving, communicates well and is able to be vulnerable, real and transparent. He confronts hurtful behavior in loving ways when necessary, and allows for consequences so lasting change can occur.

Grief is God’s cure for what is not right and it is the toughest pain we have to deal with. Grief does not 'happen' to us, we must enter into it. It is the one type of pain that heals all the others. Grief is our lament (prayer expressing sorrow, pain or confusion), for what we have lost and it allows us to mourn so we can be restored and comforted when things have gone wrong.

Grief is God’s way of us getting finished with the bad stuff of life. It is the process by which we get over it, and are able to let it go. The soul is freed from painful experiences and released for new and better experiences. 

Allow yourself to cry it out and it will get out and be over! And, consider journaling your thoughts... at least, the ones that open you up to hope, heal and trust that God has a plan and it is never to harm us!

The life we want is found in doing things God’s way. We learn to do life on God’s terms by relinquishing our old, flawed way of doing things and look to Him for guidance and insight into what is His best for us. He wants to teach us some critical skills that will change everything. 

He wants us to understand that honesty is not only a virtue; it is the only way to enjoy intimacy. Confession and owning our faults is the only way to grow and reach our life goals. Listening to feedback and correction is a gift that brings life. Forgiving others is our path to healing, freedom and reconciliation. 

Remember, getting aligned with God and getting healthy are one and the same thing!

When you build a life and stand on what Jesus taught, regardless of what happens you will make it through. 

Until next time....

-Sheri xo