Blog Category: Safe Relationships

Before we can cultivate 'safe' relationships, we have to know what that even looks like. 

Being 'safe' means being free from harm and risk. Think on that for a moment. We feel safe when we lock our doors, wear seatbelts, wear the correct gear on our adventures and stay within our boundaries. We keep our valuables in a safe. When the base runner touches homeplate without being tagged, he is safe. 

As noted, each of these instances allow us to experience freedom from harm or risk, at least it is the best 'we' can do. Accidents can still happen when we wear our seatbelts or protective gear; however, if something were to happen and we and those we hold dear are protected to the best of our ability, we may experience less regret or trauma, especially if the unthinkable happens.

What is a 'safe' person, you may ask. Great question. I have a very succinct and accurate definition of what I believe describes someone who is a safe person.

"A safe person is someone who does not put you on edge". 

Although, a simple definition, I want to break this down into a more definitive description because I believe when it comes to relationships, our emotions can play a huge part in the people we 'choose' to be in relationship with.

So, let me add a dose of logic.

Safe People help us to grow and become better people. Here are some ways they add value to our lives;

*They listen to us.

*They are relatable, not attempting to be perfect or trying to control or fix us.

*They are reliable to follow through on their promises when they say they will do something or be somewhere.

*They accept us without judgment.

*They manage their emotions.

*We can be ourselves around them.

*We are able to trust them.

*They treat themselves and others well.

We cannot very well understand what a safe relationship might look like unless we are aware of what we are facing if we deal with 'unsafe' relationships. 

Unsafe people can often be characterized as those who abandon us when they aren't comfortable with what we are saying or facing. They can be critical, speaking truth without love or not willing to offer grace or forgiveness. 

Some unsafe people are simply irresponsible, and make excuses rather than necessary changes. They blame others and aren't willing to own their actions or mistakes. They may borrow and not repay. They add more stress and chaos than joy in our relationships. 

Some unsafe people may be caring and fun. However, their lack of dependability or responsibility can be a source of irritation if they are continually late or neglectful in meeting us at restaurants or important events or in paying back money we may loan them. They may mean well but don't make the effort to communicate in a timely manner or follow through what they say they will do. 

If we continue to allow these behaviors in important relationships without addressing them, we can grow to resent them. They may not necessarily be mean or hurtful toward us, just careless. Continuing to enable these unsafe patterns can be harmful to the relationship.

God's Word teaches us that others will know we are followers of Jesus by our love for Him and for them. We can better demonstrate our love for others when the close relationships that support us are with safe people.

Safe relationships offer us the comfort of being supported by folks who will take responsibility for doing the hard work in life which at times can be difficult. 

If I were to step outside when it's raining and slip and fall, it would not be my fault. However, I would have to be the one to take the initiative to see a doctor, possibly face surgery, go to physical therapy and rest so my body can heal. This would be the hard work needed to restore health to my body.

Or the other option I could choose if I were an unsafe person, would be to not be pro-active in taking action for what my body may need to heal. 

I could stay angry, stuck and bitter for a long time. I could blame others for the situation. 

God caused it to rain. The contractor who designed my driveway was incompetent. Yada yada yada...

I could hold onto what happened to me with a vengeance as though I am a victim. I could continually complain and ruminate over it to anyone who cared enough to listen for as long as I could get away with it. I could wear my pain like a badge.

A lot of what separates safe and unsafe people is the willingness or lack thereof, to own their lives and the fact that sometimes difficult things happen. Not everything that happens is caused by someone else's negligence. And God can work it all together for good if we allow Him to. Even if it's a hard thing.

Another thing that can differentiate between a safe or unsafe person is the willingness to always be truthful. Period. No excuses. 

Regardless of where we are in life and where we've been, we can move ourselves toward being more of a safe person by taking responsibility to do the things that we need to do to manage our lives well. 

My grandmother often said that anytime I was pointing at someone else (as the problem), I have three fingers pointing back at me. (Make a fist and then point with your index finger... your middle finger, ring finger and pinky are all pointing back at you). 

If I am to live my best life, it must begin with me accepting what I cannot change, changing whatever I can... and leaning on God to learn the difference.

One of the great things about finding supportive, safe relationships is that safe people actually have a better capacity and desire to connect and have close relationships. That's not always true for those who are not safe. 

You are likely to receive true compassion and empathy from safe people. As well as experiencing them being willing to act on their compassion, as opposed to just talking about it. Or being showy about it.

Safe people will show up for us, keep our secrets, pray with us, apologize when they've hurt us and mean it, forgive us, be a positive influence, not flatter us, always tell us what we need to hear, and be someone we can rely on to be consistent as opposed to unstable.

One of the best gifts you will ever give yourself is to find and become a safe person. We do become like those we associate with. 

I'm not saying we are to give up every relationship we have unless these people fit the bill that I've described. However, there is a snowball effect of becoming a safe person. When we surround ourselves with people who live out the principles of God's Word, eventually we become safe(r) people as well.

That being said, we can then positively influence all of our relationships by being safe for them to learn and grow. We do this by being open to feedback and not defensive. We cease faking fine and admit our weaknesses. 

We are able to be spiritual instead of religious when we deal with our issues rather than refuse to take responsibility for them. With the right relationships in our lives, we learn humility and the ability to change things that we need to change. 

As we gain more safety, we will be one that others can trust.

If you desire to learn more about Safe People, here are a few things to consider. Find a friend and a support group of individuals who want the same thing. There is a great book, "Safe People" by Christian Psychologists, Henry Cloud & John Townsend that will give you a birdsye view of what it's all about. And finally, face your fear of doing hard things.

One of the ways you can learn more about safe people, setting healthy boundaries and creating joy-filled relationships is to join me live every Tuesday at 12 noon EDT on the Joy-Filled Relationships Mastermind Group for women. You can register here to receive the link and access to an online portal that allows you to view each week's replay: joyfilledrelationships.com/mastermind.

In the journey of life, one of the most painful experiences we may encounter is the estrangement from close relationships due to relational hurts or misunderstandings. This painful separation can leave us feeling lonely, confused, and questioning our faith. 

However, as Christians, we have a unique opportunity to embrace growth and spiritual maturity even in the midst of estrangement. 

These fiery furnaces in our lives have been allowed by God for purposes that most of us cannot possibly fathom. God develops our character and strengthens our faith as a result of the challenges we may face in our close personal relationships. 

He certainly understands what is means to have a wedge created in a close relationship.

These painful seasons are not something we would ever sign up for.... but, if God allows it, we can rest assured that there are some things we can learn from it, as we lean into God and trust Him. 

As we navigate through our challenging relationship seasons, we may be able to gain needed insight into important areas of spiritual growth. This understanding will likely come in the midst of our circumstances more so than in spite of them. 

In situations like this, it can be really easy to judge the other person and their motives. My grandmother would often comment on situations like this by saying, "Before you judge a person, make sure you have first walked a mile in their shoes". 

Very wise advice. I, for one, have had to learn this the hard way, at times. My hurt feelings can often cause me to lose sight of owning my part in the situation. I am thankful to know that God can still use my mess-ups to grow me up and to give me greater understanding. 

He has set a great model on offering grace, as well!

Developing the needed growth and maturity to work through our own personal emotions during these seasons will require us to be aware that God wants us to be willing to allow Him to do the needed work in our hearts, even as we are praying that He will work in the hearts of those we are missing and longing to reconnect with again, at some point. 

Waiting on God in the midst of painful situations in our close relationships is no different than having to work through any other areas of growth we will need to navigate these unchartered waters. 

Finding the support and encouragment we need throughout the process is critical for us to function in light of the loss or estrangement of significant relationshps.

God wastes nothing. Not even our most painful seasons. All that is happening in our lives is preparation for the work He wants to do in us so that He can, at some point, do a healing work through us to others who are in similar situations. 

Our struggles are temporary assignments that can shape our character more into the image of Christ. The choice is ours to either become better or bitter in the midst of them.

Let's explore how our faith can help us navigate this challenging season and find redemption through mature love and forgiveness:

1. We can Learn by Practice to Surrender to God's Plan:

Understanding that God's plan for our lives is greater than any human relationship, is the foundation on which we can start building our journey towards maturity. Accepting that our circumstances are part of His divine plan helps us surrender our pain and longing for reconciliation into His hands. Surrender can be so challenging because, in essence, we are giving up the 'perceived' control that we only 'thought' we had. When we relinquish control and trust God's timing, we can be assured that He will work all things together for our ultimate good. (Romans 8:28).

2. Seek Comfort through Scripture:

During times of estrangement, finding solace in God's Word becomes essential. A deep dive into Scripture helps to remind us of God's unchanging love and promises. Reflecting on passages such as Psalms, where many times David would cry out to God in anguish during troubled times, can bring us calm and comfort. Allowing God's truth to fill our hearts can bring healing and the patience we need to wait on Him and His timing. God can comfort our hearts and bring much needed peace even in the midst of our darkest days. And the beautiful thing is that He can use these difficulties to bring enlightenment to others as they observe how we are learning to cast all of our cares on the One who cares so deeply for us and for those we love.

3. Embrace Self-Reflection and Growth:

Estrangement gives us an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. Take this time to evaluate your actions, emotions, and attitudes. Seek God's guidance to uncover any areas of your own life that may have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. By using this opportunity to grow in grace, empathy, and humility, we can allow Christ to refine our character. I especially like the request made of the Lord in Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me, God, and know my heart; put me to the test and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there is any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way".

4. Cultivate Forgiveness and Grace:

Forgiveness and grace are pillars of our Christian faith. As difficult as it may be, forgiveness releases the heavy burden of bitterness and resentment. Remember, forgiveness does not always equate to a quick reconciliation, but it frees us to love and heal from within. Forgiveness is the only path to true healing and freedom from the hurt. Choosing to extend grace, just as God extends His grace to us, allows us to release any expectations, judgments, or desire for vindication.

5. Surround Yourself with a Supportive Community:

In times of estrangement, it is crucial to surround ourselves with a supportive community of believers. Seek out like-minded individuals who can provide encouragement, prayer, and biblical guidance. Share your journey with trusted friends or join a support group where you can find understanding and solace in the shared experiences of others. 

While the pain of estrangement from close family relationships may feel insurmountable, as followers of Christ, we have the opportunity to journey toward maturity, redemption, and healing. Through surrender, seeking solace in Scripture, self-reflection, forgiveness, and building a supportive community, we can grow closer to God and emerge stronger. 

Remember, our ultimate goal is to reflect the love and character of Christ in all situations, trusting that God's plan is working for our good. Let us press on in faith, knowing that He will guide us every step of the way.

Until next time....

-Sheri xo