Blog Category: Estranged Relationships

Someone is unhappy about a gift you gave or your offer of kindness and the response does not meet what you expected.

There is no doubt: unfulfilled and unspoken expectations can impact our experiences and relationships. This is especially true with those closest to us. 

Have you ever realized you were making expectations of others or yourself? When we can learn to surrender our expectations, we can gain grace, peace and contentment.

Our expectations of others, others’ expectations of us, our expectations of God, and even our expectations of ourselves are quite often unspoken. This is like playing a game but no one knows or is given the rules.

Trying to live up to expectations, whether unmet or unspoken, is exhausting.

The reason for this is that expectations are a subtle form of control. 

And control is the antithesis of surrender.

Surrender is to cease from resistance.

Resistance is a refusal to accept or comply with something.

Maybe with the limitations someone else has on meeting my expectations.

So, I try to control this or them by the way I treat them, usually withdrawal or anger. 

After all, if they would just 'straighten up and fly right', then I would be okay because my expections of them could all be met according to what is suitable for me. 

Wait, what did you say? What's in it for them?

Hmmmm, but they should know what I need.... after all, we've been married for 20 years, she gave birth to me, I've been running this business since he was knee-high to a grasshopper....

In creating expectations for others, God, and ourselves, we are unconsciously setting the standard that we will only be happy, satisfied, or content if or when such expectations are met. 

What’s even worse is when our expectations remain unspoken. 

That’s like asking someone what they would like to eat for dinner and hoping you guessed right out of the billion possibilities that exist!

We really have two feasible options: to share our unspoken expectations with others so they are known (although this still doesn’t guarantee that our expectations will be met by others) or to forego our desire to control, and release others, God, and ourselves from the tyranny of our expectations.

By not recognizing and acknowledging our expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment, frustration, and at times even despair. 

And we can usher in estranged relationships with those we care deeply about.

By becoming aware of our spoken stated or unspoken unstated expectations, we can then make a conscious decision regarding what is first reasonable and second necessary in our minds. We can exchange unspoken expectations for peace and contentment.

I'm convinced that when I've had unspoken expectations of others, God, or even, myself, it sets me up to feel hurt or angry, regretful, disappointed or sad.

Once I realized I was making expectations of others and myself, and that others could not live up to my unspoken or, at times even my spoken, expectations of them, then I could make the conscious decision to let go and surrender to what would be. By surrendering, I gave myself and others the freedom to enjoy whatever came our way.

And this is the path that brought more joy for me in my relationships..... 

And, I'm certain it provided more joy for others who I let off the hook for my unspoken expectations. 

I also discovered that I was much more able to give myself grace as well. 

And with that grace, came peace and contentment.

Jesus was no stranger to folks holding unspoken expectations of Him. 

The Pharisees and religious leaders 'expected' their 'King of the Jews' to come in a less-lowly fashion as He entered the earthly realm to deliver His people. 

Jesus didn't fit their bill of how their king was to be resplendent is all their 'expected' glory when He came by  way of birth in a manger.

He didn't play by their rules. He didn't measure up in their eyes. They sought to ridicule, mock and shame Him.

Have you ever felt this way? 

Have you held nothing but a desire for good in your heart for another.... friend, spouse, parent, siblings, neighbors, only to have them think the worst of you? 

Instead of seeing your gestures of goodwill toward them, what you said or offered fell short of their unspoken request (demand) for what they want or need from you.

In essence, you were weighed and found wanting.

And the sad part, is that since their expectations were likely not even communicated to you, and you simply had no way of knowing and no recourse.

Jesus must have felt the same when He stood before Pontius Pilate listening to the Jews' accusations of Him. 

Ironically, Pilate found no guilt in Jesus.

Jesus was only given the sentence to be crucified because it was time for Passover and Roman custom allowed for a known and condemned criminal to be released and another accepted in their place. 

So Jesus, became the sacrificial lamb for me.... for all that I have done wrong. 

He became my eternal hope that will never fade away.

He was 'condemned' so I could be forgiven.

And guess what, now God wants me to offer that kind of love and forgiveness.... actually, because it is what sets me free.

I may not ever be forgiven for all the ways and means I've tried or failed to try by family or friends in this life. 

I may be ostrasized, criticised and isolated from some that I have only wanted the best for.

Thankfully, in my case, God looks at my heart and sees my sincere hope to only offer love, light and encouragement for others. And to hopefully, learn to love as I have been loved. 

And that counts, even if another is unable to receive it in the way it is intended.

Even in the study of the 5 Love Languages.... I could add a few, but that is a post for another day .... We can only give what we have been given and have been willing to receive.

You read that right... we must be willing to receive what we are offered. 

To you, what I bring may seem small.... but to me, it may be all I understand and come from a deep place and a heart that desires to be pure.

Compared to your best, it may be sorely lacking..... and while, I accept my limitations, my desire is never to disappoint. (Think of the little drummer boy.... his gift brought the smile of acceptance from the Christ Child, as the song goes).

And He accepts me and you.... that only makes me love Him more.

He knows my heart.... when no one else can.

And it helps me to also accept my limitations when I am unable to meet the unspoken expectations of others.

Only good can come from all the ways I've failed or other's have perceived me as failing. The good comes because like my mom always would say when my life was hurting, "You'll either get the win or the lesson".

I've definitely decided that, while as a child lessons came first and then the test; yet, as an adult most often, I am given the test and then I get the lesson.

And the lesson still helps me to have a win, however small it may appear. It's nonetheless a win and worthy of me celebrating what I've learned and how I will grow through it.

When we've done our best, we know what His 'well done' feels like down deep in our soul. And that is enough.

Regardless of what others may think or say....

Until next time...

Sheri xo

In the journey of life, one of the most painful experiences we may encounter is the estrangement from close relationships due to relational hurts or misunderstandings. This painful separation can leave us feeling lonely, confused, and questioning our faith. 

However, as Christians, we have a unique opportunity to embrace growth and spiritual maturity even in the midst of estrangement. 

These fiery furnaces in our lives have been allowed by God for purposes that most of us cannot possibly fathom. God develops our character and strengthens our faith as a result of the challenges we may face in our close personal relationships. 

He certainly understands what is means to have a wedge created in a close relationship.

These painful seasons are not something we would ever sign up for.... but, if God allows it, we can rest assured that there are some things we can learn from it, as we lean into God and trust Him. 

As we navigate through our challenging relationship seasons, we may be able to gain needed insight into important areas of spiritual growth. This understanding will likely come in the midst of our circumstances more so than in spite of them. 

In situations like this, it can be really easy to judge the other person and their motives. My grandmother would often comment on situations like this by saying, "Before you judge a person, make sure you have first walked a mile in their shoes". 

Very wise advice. I, for one, have had to learn this the hard way, at times. My hurt feelings can often cause me to lose sight of owning my part in the situation. I am thankful to know that God can still use my mess-ups to grow me up and to give me greater understanding. 

He has set a great model on offering grace, as well!

Developing the needed growth and maturity to work through our own personal emotions during these seasons will require us to be aware that God wants us to be willing to allow Him to do the needed work in our hearts, even as we are praying that He will work in the hearts of those we are missing and longing to reconnect with again, at some point. 

Waiting on God in the midst of painful situations in our close relationships is no different than having to work through any other areas of growth we will need to navigate these unchartered waters. 

Finding the support and encouragment we need throughout the process is critical for us to function in light of the loss or estrangement of significant relationshps.

God wastes nothing. Not even our most painful seasons. All that is happening in our lives is preparation for the work He wants to do in us so that He can, at some point, do a healing work through us to others who are in similar situations. 

Our struggles are temporary assignments that can shape our character more into the image of Christ. The choice is ours to either become better or bitter in the midst of them.

Let's explore how our faith can help us navigate this challenging season and find redemption through mature love and forgiveness:

1. We can Learn by Practice to Surrender to God's Plan:

Understanding that God's plan for our lives is greater than any human relationship, is the foundation on which we can start building our journey towards maturity. Accepting that our circumstances are part of His divine plan helps us surrender our pain and longing for reconciliation into His hands. Surrender can be so challenging because, in essence, we are giving up the 'perceived' control that we only 'thought' we had. When we relinquish control and trust God's timing, we can be assured that He will work all things together for our ultimate good. (Romans 8:28).

2. Seek Comfort through Scripture:

During times of estrangement, finding solace in God's Word becomes essential. A deep dive into Scripture helps to remind us of God's unchanging love and promises. Reflecting on passages such as Psalms, where many times David would cry out to God in anguish during troubled times, can bring us calm and comfort. Allowing God's truth to fill our hearts can bring healing and the patience we need to wait on Him and His timing. God can comfort our hearts and bring much needed peace even in the midst of our darkest days. And the beautiful thing is that He can use these difficulties to bring enlightenment to others as they observe how we are learning to cast all of our cares on the One who cares so deeply for us and for those we love.

3. Embrace Self-Reflection and Growth:

Estrangement gives us an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. Take this time to evaluate your actions, emotions, and attitudes. Seek God's guidance to uncover any areas of your own life that may have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. By using this opportunity to grow in grace, empathy, and humility, we can allow Christ to refine our character. I especially like the request made of the Lord in Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me, God, and know my heart; put me to the test and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there is any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way".

4. Cultivate Forgiveness and Grace:

Forgiveness and grace are pillars of our Christian faith. As difficult as it may be, forgiveness releases the heavy burden of bitterness and resentment. Remember, forgiveness does not always equate to a quick reconciliation, but it frees us to love and heal from within. Forgiveness is the only path to true healing and freedom from the hurt. Choosing to extend grace, just as God extends His grace to us, allows us to release any expectations, judgments, or desire for vindication.

5. Surround Yourself with a Supportive Community:

In times of estrangement, it is crucial to surround ourselves with a supportive community of believers. Seek out like-minded individuals who can provide encouragement, prayer, and biblical guidance. Share your journey with trusted friends or join a support group where you can find understanding and solace in the shared experiences of others. 

While the pain of estrangement from close family relationships may feel insurmountable, as followers of Christ, we have the opportunity to journey toward maturity, redemption, and healing. Through surrender, seeking solace in Scripture, self-reflection, forgiveness, and building a supportive community, we can grow closer to God and emerge stronger. 

Remember, our ultimate goal is to reflect the love and character of Christ in all situations, trusting that God's plan is working for our good. Let us press on in faith, knowing that He will guide us every step of the way.

Until next time....

-Sheri xo